Lies. We all have them. They creep in, as unwelcome as they are and become a part of our world view. They are pernicious, counter productive and ultimately destructive. So why do we cling on to them so strongly when the truth would be so much better?

I find that I cling to my lies because I can find so much "evidence" to support them. This evidence, though, is really just my own perception being seen through the lens of my emotion at the time, yet at the time, it seems so convincing. I find that when people actually present real evidence, I reject it because it doesn't feel as realistic as what I am currently perceiving. My greatest fear in letting go of the lie is that I will lack any evidence to support the alternative and I will have to blindly believe it, so there is a danger of being duped.

Yet isn't that exactly how our enemies work? They get a foothold into our lives and begin to speak ever so softly about something that is painful for us, just slightly off from the actual truth. It's so close, it sounds true, so we listen. The next thing we know, we're convinced of something false.

I've spoken much of my lie here. I feel as though every time I gain some ground in this area, it's not fully exposed, but a layer covering it has been removed. Yet if I really get down to the root of the matter and dig it out, I find that I really don't want to let go because I'm scared. I'm terrified of having to blindly believe things about myself. Yet I feel as thought the last 24 hours have not only exposed the lie's roots (I do pray that this is it), but they have also given me mounds upon mounds of evidence to support the alternative.

So to everyone who has taken the time to share truth with me, I appreciate it more than you can imagine. God has spoken much to me about identity and completely shifted how I even define my self worth. I will explain:

I have always taken a view of myself that I am worthless with out Jesus. Yet, this isn't true. John 3:16 says that God loves the entire world and would have that none perish. So God loves everyone, not just those that have received his grace. Ephesians 1 talks much about God chosing us before the creation of the world, and predestining us to stand blameless and receiving his grace. If God loves all, then he values all and he values all, then all have the same intrinsic worth, which he deemed worth sacrificing for. In order for God to love, he had to have seen value in loving us and seen us worth loving. Granted, this is all part of God's plan. He created us for us to know him and to be loved by him. He doesn't need us, but rather, he desires us, and THAT is what makes us worth something.

The fact that God chose me, loves me, gives me grace, died for me and will call me into eternal life with him isn't what gives me worth, rather it confirms that God values me. He always did, does now, and always will desire me. And why? As stated in Ephesians 1, it is according to the pleasure of his will. Pleasure. God finds pleasure in all of this. My worth is found in his pleasure and his desire for me.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not at the center of God's universe. He is. And all of this is to his glory. I don't deserve to be chosen or shown grace or loved or anything else, but he does it anyway. His mercy is glorious, but he receives glory by the fact that his desires and his will are what is carried out. So my worth really stems from God's glory. Now that's pretty cool, I think.

So what does all of this mean when it comes to digging out the lie? Well, the lie would be that I'm essentially worthless. The truth is that God has always seen me as priceless. The evidence for the lie is in my perception of being used and taken advantage of, of being small and insignificant, in being invisible. Yet I have been floored to see, just in the last 24 hours how untrue that is. I'm simply blown away. And honestly, the kind words, truth and pie that showed up hasn't done anything for my sense of self worth except to make me realize that if all of you love me this much, how much more does God desire and love me? It really has just pointed me back to Jesus.

Anyway, I'm very blessed to have friends like all of you. I'm pretty amazed, actually. God has opened my eyes to something, and I'm pretty excited to see what he does with it. Please, always point me to Jesus.

And on that note, it's time for bed.

One Thing Remains...

Higher than the mountains that i face
Stronger than the power of the grave
constant in the trial and the change

One thing remains

Your love never fails
It never gives up
It never runs out on me

Because on and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelmes and satisfies my soul
And i'll never, ever, have to be afraid

One thing remains

In death
In life
I'm confident and covered by the Power of Your great love

My dept is paid
Theres nothing that can separate
My heart from Your great love

Every once in a while a song comes along that really grips you. It effects you and doesn't leave you at all. This song is one of those. I have had this song in my head since for four days now and it's not getting old. It is so good to be reminded of the fact that God's love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me.

How often do I forget this? How often do I expect God's love to be just like the fickle human emotion that I see day to day. Yet Love is a choice and God IS love. He is infinate and perfect in that love and it isn't fickle. He isn't man that he should change his mind. He loves so much that he made a way for our sin to be forgiven, that we can know him. He is so faithful to redeem that he came to earth as man and was executed as an innocent, sacrificed on our behalf to bring ultimate justice for our sins upon himself. His great love draws us to him even now. How much I don't deserve it, yet how much he lavishes it on us!

Thank you, Father God for your great love. Thank you Jesus for your obedience, even to death on a cross. Thank you Holy Spirit for leading me to you and continually sanctifying me. Thank you God for your grace.

the last three days...

I decided earlier this week that I wanted to take three days off from all my events and just focus on my relationship with Christ. It was hard, but it was so good. As much as I would like to tell you what God told me, I must first go back a little ways and give you some background.

For a long while now, I've been battling with my flesh for a sense of worth and a strong identity. I had come to a place where I was no longer really turning to God for these things and in the wake of certain men, I felt worthless. The comparison game has continued for some time and I could never understand why I was so much less valued than they. I say this because what I was seeing was that they were consistently reached out to by others, drew a crowd and received a lot of attention. I felt like I was only ever given attention when someone needed something.

While on a recent trip, my heart grew so embittered that I kept trying to find a way to leave and avoid the situation altogether. Being four hours away from home, I couldn't and came to the conclusion that it wasn't my relationships that were broken, but that my relationship with Christ was and that was breaking my relationships with people. I had come to rely so much on my own strengths and talents, of which I really don't have many, that when around men who were extremely talented and, let's face it, good looking, I felt invisible and like far less of a man.

So I decided that since people had become something of an idol, I would take three days off from them and focus on Christ. The results were powerful.

First of all, God showed me that the identity I had taken on was that of a "need meeter". I was the guy who would be what you needed him to be in order to help you the most. In other words, I was a people pleaser. He then showed me through the word, bringing to mind experiences where I wasn't trying to please and other such things that my true identity wasn't that of a meeter of needs, but more akin to a dragon slayer. Cheesy, I know, but let's face it, what man doesn't connect with the imagery of Aragorn hacking down orcs and trolls? He showed me that, not only has he made me a warrior, but that he's instilled in me the skills and bravery to be one. He also showed me that I'm meant to be a man of valor and that I am, in fact, a hero and not just the lame guy who tries to make people happy.

He also showed me that he is the source of that strength, valor and heroicism. He provides for it and I need only to be obedient to his call. He will not let me fall and by his strength, I can scale a wall and take on thousands of enemies. He truly is the hero and metaphorically speaking, he is David, and I am one of his 33 valiant men.

For whatever reason, I began reading some of the minor prophets and I saw something that pegged me like a laser beam. Israel served other "gods" or idols. God destroyed them and sent them into Babalonian captivity for years and at the end, restored them. He warned them for a long time before that they would be taken captive, but also that he would restore them and replant them. I saw paralells in my life. I had turned to the idol of myself and people's opinions of me. He had caused them to fail and was destroying me in the process in order that he may restore me back to himself.

This morning, I read the beginning of Nehemiah, which seemed apt considering that was shortly after the end of their captivity. I love how often it mentions that he prayed and asked God for favor before the king and then was granted an opportunity to speak. He took a big risk asking to be able to return to rebuild Jerusalem, but God had a plan in it. It was the burden of his heart and God was the one that placed it there. In that, he acted valiently and very manly, though he would have been a eunich as the king's cupbearer. He's more man then most guys I know.

So the end result? God restored my identity in him, but more than that, he bolstered my masculinity. He showed me he was shattering idols and that he was rebuilding me into a more Christ like man. He then showed me that in order to really see the process completed, I have to act like a man. What does that mean? Well, much as I'd love to tell you, I'm not entirely sure myself, so I shall leave it to your speculation... :)

Today is our last full day in Japan. It is a day of rest, a day of taking in the city of Tokyo, a day to spend with Hiroto. So much has happened in the last 12 days, I can't even begin to describe all of it.

At no point have I felt like I don't fit here. Yes, there are plenty of differences, but for the most part, I've felt at home here like this is just right. I could easily move here. God has done so much here, he's really impacted some people and I can't even begin to express what has been happening in my own heart. I will try to get that all written down at some point. For now though, what I will miss:

1. The base.
2. Black Betty!
3. Nao-san, Sensei Naoki-san, Fumi-san and Hiroka-san
4. Justin, Yu, Tony, Loanna, Lindy, Derrick, John and Justin (aka Zoolander)
5. Paul Bostrom
6. Miso, rice balls, Crunky and Koala Bears and Peach Ice.
7. K's House Tokyo
8. The Sen-to
9. Yoshiaka Baptist Church
10. Most of all, though, even though I will still see them every week at church, I will miss being on a team with Orion (Oreo) Cannon, Lacy Goeden, Chelsea Norris, Natalie Hanson, Amy (Fockly) Findly, Amy Mihaly and Melissa Kraus The seven of you displayed so much faith and patience.

God has greatly blessed this trip and I am so sad to leave. To be honest, I really don't miss anything about America (except the people, of course. Don't worry, friends, I miss you all). I will be home on Monday, not sure of what time, but I do get back two hours before I leave. I love time travel. :)

Earthquakes are fun...

So far, we've been through five earthquakes. I was hoping for one, we've had five. Such an odd experience. One moment normal, then out of no where a ton of shaking for 30 seconds, then normal again. So weird.

When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on men’s wisdom, but on God’s power. 1 Cor 2:1-5

This has been my theme that God has been pounding me with this trip. I keep praying this is true of how I'm working on this trip. Please keep praying for us. We are now done with mucking out places, there simply isn't much left to be done in that sense, at least no one else is asking for help. Tomorrow, we will help with an english class, send home two members of our team and clean up the compound to prepare it for the next group. Friday, we will help with another cookout for the displaced before heading to the conference on Saturday. We still have 5 days here. It seems so weird to think that we're leaving that soon. Sort of surreal, really. Pray we make the most of it.

Grace and peace...

I feel numb. I've felt numb since I got here. Two days ago we went to the effected area and walked around the destruction. It was overwhelming. I've seen similar before, but never on this scale. What I saw in Slidell pales in comparison to what I saw in Ishinomaki. Yet my heart shuts off because of how horrible it is.

Concrete buildings ripped out; all that's left is the steel skeleton of what was once an office building. Rubble everywhere. What finally got me, though, was a coffee cup. Someone's coffee cup was sitting, half berried, full of mud. Someone brought that cup from home, most likely, drank from it every day and now it is destroyed. After that, I saw so many personal affects all over the place. That opened my eyes. This was more than just a destroyed industrial park. People died here.

Pray that God opens the eyes of our hearts to what he's doing here. We fully believe that he will use this disaster for good, as he was the one who was soveriegn over it in the first place. Pray that we can bring hope to these people beyond simply digging or giving a meal. Pray that God has his way.