There are three areas that I've begun to pray for in my life, and I feel the need to publicly share them so that I can have some form of accountability.
1) I've lost the view of my job that I had when I first started and I want to get it back. When I first started working at Tolmar, I thought of it as a gift from God, which caused me to strive for excellence in whatever I did there. Now, it's my paycheck. My coworkers were people I could serve and encourage and be a light to. Now, they are my buddies and I say a lot of stupid things. Tonight I had a conversation with one of my friends that went something like this: Me: "I have this tendency to say rather inappropriate things to my coworkers." Friend: "That's something you're trying to work on, right?" Me: "Well, yeah. Kinda." I don't think she meant to come swinging the conviction hammer but God used her to hit me with it. I've known this was something in my life, but to what degree, I don't think God really showed me until tonight.
The fact is that I've come to feel more loved and appreciated by my coworkers than I do by most other people in my life. I find myself striving to fit in there and am no longer acting as a genuine lover of Christ. I get frustrated and vent, I make inappropriate jokes, tell stories and what not, all just to be more accepted into the crowd. I miss the days when I would go sit in my car and read my Bible and journal verses. I miss the days when I would have spiritual conversations with people. I miss the days when I was genuinely thankful to God for what he had given me. Luke 6:45 - The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.
2) I really haven't been too excited about a lot of things lately. I'm pretty burnt. I get up early, usually on only 4 or so hours of sleep. I'm so tired that I just crash when I get home and then I'm scrambling to get to the gym, get dinner and get to whatever meeting I happen to have that night. It's all pretty lame, really. I'm so overwhelmed much of the time by my tiredness that all I want is a few hours of downtime. Instead, I feel like my time gets demanded before I can even properly budget it.
I've been so reactionary in how I spend my time; it's time to be proactive. I need to get this under control. More than that, I need to be willing to sacrifice for the sake of others and build into other relationships. It's just time to man up and stop whining about things. I've heard it said that there is no such thing as burn out, just a loss of focus on Christ. Though I disagree in the full impact of that statement, I think that burn out definitely begins with a loss of focus on Christ. My eyes have been on the world and all my problems. Time to look to Christ for my strength, my excitement and my joy. Proverbs 11:25 - A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.
3) I need to start taking risks. I've played it safe for so long that now I'm living... well... bored. The normal Christian life is full of risks. We share our faith, we love those who would take advantage of us, we give sacrificially, and we trust an invisible God to work in all of these things, not for our desires, but for his glory. We trust that even in pain, discomfort and suffering we gain Christ who brings us comfort joy and his own friendship. God has recently shown my though another friend that I'm incredibly guarded and I throw up walls.
What's been hard is how often I will stop dead in my tracks when it comes to relationships with people because I get scared. Perhaps I'm afraid of rebuke. Perhaps I'm afraid that someone doesn't care. Perhaps I'm afraid that someone doesn't feel the same way about me. When that happens, I run. I'm a runner. I run away from those uncomfortable relationships and I throw up my guards. I can think of many times when this has resulted in a lot awkwardness and I've had to go back and ask forgiveness. Though many of those friendships have been saved, many have not, and there are many bridges that I've burned because I was too afraid to risk being hurt or embarrassed. Well, I'm tired of being guarded and I'm tired of running. I'm stepping forward now.
If I'm sitting on my couch just waiting for something to happen (which metaphorically speaking has been the case), then I'm not living in faith. I want to dream so big that I utterly fail if God doesn't come through. More than that, I want to move beyond simply dreaming and act. I want to walk in faith and not by sight. I want to take risks and watch the hand of God work, whether it be how I expect or not, it doesn't matter. I simply want to see more of God. James 2:18 - But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds." Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.
These three areas really speak to one central thing in my life that I feel that God is working miraculously in. He's showing me who I am in him. I like that. Let's keep going with that, God.
