On Mawwiage...

In a conversation during our leader's meeting last night, the subject of marriage came up. I don't even remember how, but I do remember my response. Back in the old days of the Rock, marriage was a seemingly forbidden topic. If I mentioned that I wanted to be married someday, it was quickly met with, "What if you're one of those men who's never supposed to get married?" Now, I understand the intent, not to allow the desire for marriage or relationship to become an idol, but something else happened. Somehow that message twisted.

Please understand, too, I'm not blaming the Rock. I'm the one who got things twisted.

One thing that was mentioned in that conversation last night was how much modern Christendom can condemn the desire for marriage as selfish and wrong. That is exactly what had happened in my case. How many men view the desire to be married as wrong and try to purge it in an attempt to gain Godliness with contentment? Guess what guys, it doesn't work. You're wired that way, and unless it really is God's intent for you to not be married, that desire is only going to get stronger.

The funny thing is that only a few hours earlier I had been conversing with a pastor about that very thing. How twisted this was in my own head/heart and how it deeply effected my whole worldview and confused me on God. God wants us to delight in him and not hope in our desires, but Psalm 37:4 says pretty plainly, "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." God doesn't want us to purge our desires, especially the ones he wired us with, he just wants us to desire and pursue him first and then allow him to be the provider and fulfiller of our other longings.

The twisting of this whole idea deeply effected how I saw myself and caused a tremendous amount of pain and sorrow in my heart. It's funny, the Buddhists believe that desire is the source of pain and to live a right life, one's life must be purged of all desire (then one will attain enlightenment). Yet, as I attempted to purge the desire, it only grew stronger and I hurt all the more (Which just goes to show why I'm not a Buddhist). God's intent is for us to enjoy having our longings fulfilled by him. This morning, he showed me that by giving me Proverbs 5:18-19:

May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer
— may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

God designed marriage not just for a place for procreating the human race, not just to be a picture of unity, but for a place of deep blessing and enjoyment. I mean, just look at the wording in this passage: blessed, rejoice, satisfy, be intoxicated. And what are these words describing? Not his relationship with God, but with his wife! The desire for marriage is not wrong, but GOOD! The desire for marriage is Godly! We think that all of our relational needs and desires must be filled by God only, but we forget that God designed us for community, fellowship and union with each other. If God designed us for those things with one another, then we can be free to enjoy our relationships, especially with our spouse. After all, it is God who said through Solomon that a man who finds a wife finds a good thing and receives favor from the Lord. FAVOR FROM THE LORD!

So why the heck am I writing this? It's not because I'm going to go get all engaged tomorrow, so don't think that. Really, it's because I don't believe that I'm the only one with this view of needing to purge desire to gain contentment. Submit desires to God, trust him like a child trusts its parents and start taking this seriously. I know I am.

an update, I suppose...

So, I'm sort-of unemployed. I'm looking for work, have submitted my resume probably close to 30 places since mid December and have been trying to get through to Unemployment for the last three weeks.

Yesterday, after about an hour of constantly hitting redial, I finally got put into the hold que. I decided to put my phone on the charger and whilst bungling around with it, I dropped my phone and caught it, my finger landing on the hang-up key. The slew of swear words that came vomiting out of my mouth probably would have made a sailor blush and my hand now hurts from me pounding on my desk in what was probably the closest thing to a rage that I had experienced in a while... and I broke.

I was already discouraged, different places I had gone proved to be fruitless that morning, but this just broke me. I felt like a big, fat, useless, ugly, stupid, worthless failure. I sat, sobbing at my desk wondering what the heck I was going to do, as my cash flow is now horribly short. I finally pulled myself together and began the endless redials of the unemployment customer service line for the next hour.

While going through those redials, I took some time to really examine why I was so upset. It really didn't have anything to do with the job hunt or unemployment, though that certainly aggravated things. It had everything to do with the immense disappointment that I felt, and was sure that everyone else saw in me. I felt like an utter failure at life since I am 31, never been in a relationship, given up all hope for marriage, am 20 grand in debt and have been let go from four different jobs in the last five years. Now, searching for a job, I just felt this incredible shame and self disgust that much more.

But while endlessly pressing redial, one thought kept creeping into my mind: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.- Jeremiah 29:11. After an hour of redialing, I was in the hold que again. After being on hold for around an hour and a half, I spoke to a representative who reopened my claim.

This morning, I read Psalm 18:1-15 as part of my morning QT. The whole time, I had "Thundered" by Steele Croswhite in my head. I don't know how all of this is going to play out, but I do believe that God is in control. He can make even the ugliest of things glorious, including this goober of a man who is currently just trying to survive. I don't know what's going to happen, but I am starting to have some hope again.

Psalm 18: 1-19

¹I love you, LORD, my strength.

² The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield^b]">[b] and the horn^c]">[c] of my salvation, my stronghold.

³ I called to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
and I have been saved from my enemies.
⁴ The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.
⁵ The cords of the grave coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.

⁶ In my distress I called to the LORD;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.
⁷ The earth trembled and quaked,
and the foundations of the mountains shook;
they trembled because he was angry.
⁸ Smoke rose from his nostrils;
consuming fire came from his mouth,
burning coals blazed out of it.
⁹ He parted the heavens and came down;
dark clouds were under his feet.
¹⁰ He mounted the cherubim and flew;
he soared on the wings of the wind.
¹¹ He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him—
the dark rain clouds of the sky.
¹² Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced,
with hailstones and bolts of lightning.
¹³ The LORD thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded.^d]">[d]
¹⁴ He shot his arrows and scattered the enemy,
with great bolts of lightning he routed them.
¹⁵ The valleys of the sea were exposed
and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at your rebuke, LORD,
at the blast of breath from your nostrils.

¹⁶ He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
¹⁷ He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
¹⁸ They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the LORD was my support.
¹⁹ He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.

God speaks of his love in the funniest of places...

So, a quick disclaimer: I am not one to find meaning in secular plot lines. I didn't get all wiggly and excited when Neo showed up as a messiah figure in the Matrix, I don't use LOTR to illustrate Christian truth, and I never see symbolism where it is not. Usually I simply put on my goggles of suspension of disbelief, sit back and enjoy the ride. However, every once in a while God will quietly, gently speak to my heart through totally inoquious things and it is quite powerful.

This is somewhat of a spoiler, so if you haven't seen the TRON: Legacy and you actually care enough about it to not want to know certain details then stop reading... NOW.

So, quick background: Kevin Flynn has created a digital world and was betrayed by a program he created called CLU. While inside he discovered isomorphic algorithms, which are essentially digital life forms that manifested inside the system; they will change the entire world. CLU saw them as an imperfection, and as he had been charged to create the perfect system, he wiped them all out, all but one, Quorra.

Flynn's son Sam gets zapped into the system and towards the endish of the movie asks Quorra how she had found Flynn. She says that Flynn had found her. That when CLU began to purge the ISO's, she was smuggled to the outerlands by sympathetic programs, but soon, CLU's black guards had found her and she was surrounded. "I prepared for the end... Then I felt a hand on my shoulder from above. Nice and warm. And When I looked up.. I saw him, The creator. Your father. I guess you could say... I'm a rescue."

I watched that, and I know that it wasn't in any sort of way a religious reference. But this thought crossed my mind, "In the same way, you were doomed for destruction, and you felt my hand pull you up, take you in. I am your creator and I did this. I rescued you to be mine." God used a line to hit my heart and show me his love. Something so simple, so secular, so unintentionally profound. I loved it.

additional Faithwalkers thoughts...

So I've had time to meditate some more on the Faithwalkers teachings and I really appreciated something that Pat Sokol shared. He talked about the disciple's love of the body and how we are all really just a pixel in the image that God is creating. But... that's not the image that I really connected with. He talked about being a foot ball player, especially a lineman (which I was). Each position on the field has a specific task during each play. Now, stars are made when people can run and catch and score TD's, but a lineman is never a start. The two years I played (and I really wasn't that great. I really sucked pretty bad), I never even thought about being a star. It seriously never even crossed my mind.

I like the lineman analogy because it really shows that we all have a part to play to make something happen. The pixel analogy is good too, but it feels more passive. I like the idea of getting into the action and doing my part, that part being what ever God calls me to do.

We as members of the body are all players in the same game. We all have different jobs, though and if one person doesn't do their job, then the play will probably fall to pieces. Paul says in Romans 12:3-8, "For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully"

It is interesting to me, as a member of the church I am so tempted to try to build myself up for the sake of my own pride, but as a foot ball player, I never once tried to be a star. It never even crossed my mind. I was a defensive tackle and I knew my job was to plug holes first and try to get to the ball. In the process, it took two, sometimes three guys to block me, creating large gaps for our line backers. I was happy to do my job and never tried to do anything else. I had a couple of fumble recoveries. Did I get those to boost myself? No, it was just what I did for the sake of the team. So in my life in the church, I should do my job for the sake of the body. Being a star should never enter into the equation. After all, the star is Jesus so then what does that make my attempts to stand out? Really, they are tantamount to idolatry.

And besides, when it comes to being a humble servant, what does the word say? “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble (James 4:6b)." God promises to reward those who earnestly seek him, and it may not be in recognition in this life, but I will definitely get to hear him say, "Well done" when I get to heaven (or in Pat Sokol's case, "That'll do, pig." Still makes me laugh!). So, to heck with Stardom! I'm going to do what God's got me doing, building into men, and I'm going to do it with everything I've got.

Faithwalkers and my response...

This year, Faithwalkers wasn't anything earth shattering or hugely life changing for me. But, though it seemed that way in years past, it really wasn't then either. However, though not utterly mind-blowing for me, it was still absolutely amazing!

I feel that I've come to understand the way that these big conferences work. In the past, I went in with an agenda on what I wanted to hear. I wanted to be told certain things about my life and especially to hear God's leading for my life, to receive some sort of call and be ready to go with that. However, the special call never came and the things I wanted to hear were often times dashed to pieces by what I did receive, resulting in a very difficult, often discouraging time until I can get everything processed and then proceed to do nothing about it.

This year, I went in with a different attitude. I went in with no agenda. I simply wanted to hear God speak. And speak he did. I went in with only 2 questions: 1. How can I love God more? and 2. What does God want me to hear? He answered both of those questions and here's how:

1. How can I love God more? There are aspects to the answer to this question, so I'll break it down.

• Understand God's love for me. I didn't choose God, he chose me. He tells me this constantly in different ways and I want to start keeping a written record of how God communicates his love for me (a la Josh Whitney).
• Tithe. I can really struggle with finances and my tithing tends to be hit or miss. Time to suck it up and eat ramen if necessary so that money can go to my tithe, but I want to be motivated by love and not duty.
• Obey. I have this tendency to think things are a great idea and I SHOULD implement them into my life, but I don't ever actually do them. Well, I'm tired of coasting. It's time to step up and take action. Time to actually do what the bible says and care for the poor, serve the lost and speak the gospel when opportunities arise.

2. What does God want me to hear? He showed me a couple of things:

• I'm selfish with my love for people. I'll give of my time and money and energy, but I don't open my heart up to people except in very specific circumstances. In fact, if we look at love languages, I do not feel loved by gifts, words of encouragement, touch or acts of service UNLESS they are accompanied by quality time, and specifically someone pursuing me out for my benefit, truly being a mutually encouraging relationship. Then, and only then do my walls come down and then I feel loved by everyone, otherwise I feel loved by no one. God showed me a few weeks ago how much I can turn to him to experience love, but at FW, he showed me that I need to expand how I experience love and allow others to love me where they are at.
• He showed me that the best way to have compassion on someone is to hear their story, ask questions and then respond accordingly. I made an assumption about some people and then didn't take action, but never confirmed my assumption with them personally by talking with them. Instead, I walked by and over heard a conversation and made a decision based on that. How stupidly hypocritical of me! Whether I did something or not, I could have at least talked with them, right? This makes me want to do the hand warmers that much more now, not to try to seek some sort of salvation from my hypocrisy, but because seeing my sin has created a greater resolve to aide those who really need it.

So what are my practicals? Well, let's list them as resolutions, huh?

1. Keep a written record of how God communicates his love for me throughout the year.
2. Obey what I read and when I am prompted.
3. Be a good witness for the Gospel.
4. Tithe every pay check.
5. Be more generous.
6. Allow people greater access to my heart and stop waiting for the specific situation to feel loved (this one will probably take a LOT more work than I'm really ready for, but oh well, it must be done.)
7. Read my bible and pray daily.
*NON FAITHWALKERS RELATED*
8. Gym three times a week at least and control diet. I want to be off my diabetes and BP meds by December 31.
9. Keep my room and kitchen clean.
10. Be more controlled with my entertainment. I'm so distracted by things like Facebook and netflix, it's rediculous.

So there we have it. I walked away from FW this year very encouraged and built up, and honestly, I have a greater vision for my life than before. I can honestly see myself going over seas for the sake of the kingdom, but at the same time, I'm totally content in whatever God calls me to.