Musings on getting older...

Sunday the 15th was my birthday.  It passed by with little fanfare, save the 96 facebook posts all basically saying the same thing.  But no party, a few texts and no phone calls.  I spent it on the way back from Las Vegas where 2 other friends and I decided to go take a vacation in honor of our common April birth-month.  Surprisingly, it didn't really bother me that my birthday seemed to pass by so quietly and go un-celebrated.  Perhaps this is a sign of maturity, or at the very least sweet self-forgetfulness, but either way, I am certain of one thing:  Life doesn't stop moving, even when you try to sit and do nothing.

I turned 33 this year and though I may joke that I'm old, I know that I'm still young and have a lot of life ahead of me.  I also know that I've left a lot of life behind, Life that really went unspent, squandered and for much of it, I was bored and miserable.  But this last year has shown me what it looks like to really step out and take a big chance, trust God for something big.  And with that, I've decided to step out and do something even bigger.  I'm currently talking with a missions organization about working in Japan.  My biggest obstacle?  Something that I should have taken care of long ago:  about $14,000 in debt.  This isn't the biggest of things for God to take care of, and even they said it's not that big of a deal as long as I'm making headway on it.  But I want to have it cleared before I go.

So why did I suddenly decide to do this this year?  Well, the answer is simple:  I'm not getting any younger.  I can't very well see big things happen through my life if I don't take a few risks, right?  And besides, as an uneducated, single 33 year old in Fort Collins, Colorado, what does my life really have in store?  I have no relationship prospects, no marketable skills and very few strong relational connections at all.  So why not go?  Seems like the time is right and the field is white for harvest.

But this also brings up something else that I've been pondering lately:  Will I ever actually get married?  Perhaps the biggest reason why this question is coming up is because I have no real prospects here and in going to another country, I can't say that I see that changing there either.  Not that I have anything against Japanese women, just that I'm not going for that reason.  I'm going for the sake of the Gospel.  God can do what he wants, yes, but the reality is, I don't want that to be anywhere near my motivations.

Yet it is not good for man to be alone, as God says in Genesis.  And as I have so few strong relational connections here, I have to ask myself the question of why that is.  Is it because I'm being pulled away to someplace else?  Or is it because there is something broken in me that prevents me from forming attachments?  Either way, my current state tends towards loneliness and feeling like I have no one at my side.  A helper would be nice, a companion, a friend who isn't going to move on without me, but I've grown accustomed to being left behind.  So maybe it's time that it goes the other way:  Lee moves on and life in FoCo keeps on going like nothing even changed.

I am excited for this new venture in life, but at the same time, scared to do it alone.  I know that I will have a church that I will be working with and I know that I will become close to a few people there, but the idea of starting completely over and having to build a new support structure (when my current one is already in shambles for lack of maintenance on my part), is daunting at the very least and cripplingly terrifying at the worst.  But perhaps that is something that I need, a removal of all earthly supports to force me into a position of trusting God for all things.  Thankfully, that thought is fairly reassuring.

Whatever happens, though, this is the year that Lee steps out.  This is the year that Lee puts himself in a scary place to see God do something great.  This is the year that Lee stops squandering his life and becomes a blessing to others.  This is the year that Lee comes alive.  God will do something and all I have to do is walk forward.  Let him have his way, I am ready.