For a long while now, I've been battling with my flesh for a sense of worth and a strong identity. I had come to a place where I was no longer really turning to God for these things and in the wake of certain men, I felt worthless. The comparison game has continued for some time and I could never understand why I was so much less valued than they. I say this because what I was seeing was that they were consistently reached out to by others, drew a crowd and received a lot of attention. I felt like I was only ever given attention when someone needed something.
While on a recent trip, my heart grew so embittered that I kept trying to find a way to leave and avoid the situation altogether. Being four hours away from home, I couldn't and came to the conclusion that it wasn't my relationships that were broken, but that my relationship with Christ was and that was breaking my relationships with people. I had come to rely so much on my own strengths and talents, of which I really don't have many, that when around men who were extremely talented and, let's face it, good looking, I felt invisible and like far less of a man.
So I decided that since people had become something of an idol, I would take three days off from them and focus on Christ. The results were powerful.
First of all, God showed me that the identity I had taken on was that of a "need meeter". I was the guy who would be what you needed him to be in order to help you the most. In other words, I was a people pleaser. He then showed me through the word, bringing to mind experiences where I wasn't trying to please and other such things that my true identity wasn't that of a meeter of needs, but more akin to a dragon slayer. Cheesy, I know, but let's face it, what man doesn't connect with the imagery of Aragorn hacking down orcs and trolls? He showed me that, not only has he made me a warrior, but that he's instilled in me the skills and bravery to be one. He also showed me that I'm meant to be a man of valor and that I am, in fact, a hero and not just the lame guy who tries to make people happy.
He also showed me that he is the source of that strength, valor and heroicism. He provides for it and I need only to be obedient to his call. He will not let me fall and by his strength, I can scale a wall and take on thousands of enemies. He truly is the hero and metaphorically speaking, he is David, and I am one of his 33 valiant men.
For whatever reason, I began reading some of the minor prophets and I saw something that pegged me like a laser beam. Israel served other "gods" or idols. God destroyed them and sent them into Babalonian captivity for years and at the end, restored them. He warned them for a long time before that they would be taken captive, but also that he would restore them and replant them. I saw paralells in my life. I had turned to the idol of myself and people's opinions of me. He had caused them to fail and was destroying me in the process in order that he may restore me back to himself.
This morning, I read the beginning of Nehemiah, which seemed apt considering that was shortly after the end of their captivity. I love how often it mentions that he prayed and asked God for favor before the king and then was granted an opportunity to speak. He took a big risk asking to be able to return to rebuild Jerusalem, but God had a plan in it. It was the burden of his heart and God was the one that placed it there. In that, he acted valiently and very manly, though he would have been a eunich as the king's cupbearer. He's more man then most guys I know.
So the end result? God restored my identity in him, but more than that, he bolstered my masculinity. He showed me he was shattering idols and that he was rebuilding me into a more Christ like man. He then showed me that in order to really see the process completed, I have to act like a man. What does that mean? Well, much as I'd love to tell you, I'm not entirely sure myself, so I shall leave it to your speculation... :)
