Are you still praying for Japan?

It's funny what God does sometimes.

Last week, I was challenged by a very close friend of mine, one Andrea Skerry, to love others more than I love myself.  At first, I was a bit shocked.  "I'm good at that already," I thought.  But then the reality of it hit me and I saw that, not only was I not very good at loving others, I sucked horribly at it.  Since then, I've made it a point to be more outward focused, to have a greater, stronger love for others, to put their needs before my own, to truly love as unconditionally as I, a fallen human being can love and something amazing happened.  For the first time... ever, I felt loved myself.  I felt like I fit.  That's such a rarity for me.  I felt like I was not only doing what I was designed to do, but I was living life as God wanted it.  I truly was where I belonged.

Today, I accidentally pulled up google earth on my phone.  The last time I played with it, I was looking at Ishinomaki, Japan, at the places where we went.  So, the earth spun to Japan and landed on the coastline along the small seaport city.  But the pictures had all been updated since the last time I saw that view.  Now, instead of full neighborhoods, there were large patches of dirt and debris with the occasional standing house.  I even found the shrine outlook that we visited on our last day there and could connect what I saw then with what I was looking at now.  My heart broke into a million pieces.

I spent the better half of the next hour looking at the Tohoku area on Google Maps and my heart just broke more and more.  Not long after that, I received an email about a potential year long trip and something stirred inside me.  "I have to go back," I kept thinking to myself.  My brain the suddenly switched to what I can only guess was the Holy Spirit speaking of the city of Ninaveh in Jonah 4, only with the nation of Japan in it's place, "And should I not have concern for the great [nation] of [Japan], in which there are more than a hundred and twenty [million] people who cannot tell their right hand from their left...?”  

I can't say that the desire to go back to Japan ever really left me, but I did dismiss it for a while.  Now, seeing this, timed with the possibility of a return next summer has stirred me once again.  As I'm learning what it is to "remove myself from the equation" and love others greater than myself, as I'm learning to give of myself for the sake of another, to lay down my life, my rights, my freedoms and my desires to benefit someone else and experience God's love and satisfaction and true life in the process, I can't help but wonder just how much God is preparing me for use in something like this.  Now, I have no idea what he's really doing, I could very well let my emotions simmer down and tomorrow be all in here in FoCo, but somehow, I doubt it.  My boldness with the truth is increasing and more and more, I want to make Jesus famous and myself secondary.

Are you still praying for the people of Japan who are still recovering from the devestating tsunami that hit more than six months ago?  Are they still on your minds at all?  Do you pray for their salvation and their recovery?  I haven't been nearly as much as I used to and that changes today.

I will keep praying about this.  I would challenge you, reader, to pray about going on a church plant yourself.  Ask God to give you a heart for the Great Commission.  Will you make him famous?  And if you have that heart, are you making him famous here, in FoCo?

This song has been flowing through my head all day:

Failure doesn't phase you.
Worry doesn't win.
Lost doesn't leave you afraid to start again.
Our sin doesn't shock you.
Our shame doesn't shame you at all.
Mistakes do not move you.
Terror doesn't tame.
Death doesn't doom you to life in the grave.
Our suffering doesn't scare you.
Our secrets won't surprise you at all.
At all.

There is nothing above you.
There is nothing beyond you.
There is nothing that you can't do.
There is no one beside you.
There is no one that's like you.
There is nothing that you can't do.
Whatever will come, we'll rise above.
You fail us not, You fail us not.
No matter the war, our hope is secure.
You fail us not, You fail us not.
You fail us not.

Hatred doesn't hide you.
Evil doesn't ail.
Despair can't disguise you and tell you that you fail.
Our doubt doesn't daunt you.
Our darkness won't defeat you at all.
At all.

There is nothing above you.
There is nothing beyond you.
There is nothing that you can't do.
Whatever will come, we'll rise above.
You fail us not, You fail us not.
No matter the war, our hope is secure.
You fail us not, You fail us not.
Whatever will come, we'll rise above.
You fail us not, You fail us not.
No, You fail us not.
You fail us not.

-Fail Us Not - 1000 Generations

How long, O Lord?

How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I take counsel in my soul

and have sorrow in my heart all the day?

How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;

light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,

lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed over him,"

lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love;

my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

I will sing to the LORD,

because he has dealt bountifully with me.

Psalm 13

This Psalm pretty much sums up how I feel at the moment. I have a ton of questions floating around in my head; questions like, "What is the purpose of my being in Fort Collins?", "Why do I never feel like I fit in?" and "Why is my heart so broken in the area of friendship?" But the biggest question I find myself asking is, "How Long do I have to face this disappointment?" I have been waiting for something for a long time now, 2 years in fact. 2 years and over the last few months, I've come to realize that the goal I was aiming for was not the goal that God intended for me. It's amazing how obvious that became and how crushing it can be, but at the same time, how kind, wonderful and comforting God is in the midst of it.

Disappointment is never fun, but one thing is certain. Romans 8:28 will always apply, that God works all things for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. I've watched God do great things in my life before. I will see him do great things again. I will leave a passage that a friend recently shared with me that has spoken so deeply to my soul:

When you did awesome things that we did not look for,

you came down, the mountains quaked at your presence.
From of old no one has heard
or perceived by the ear,
no eye has seen a God besides you,
who acts for those who wait for him.

Isaiah 64:3-4

Lies. We all have them. They creep in, as unwelcome as they are and become a part of our world view. They are pernicious, counter productive and ultimately destructive. So why do we cling on to them so strongly when the truth would be so much better?

I find that I cling to my lies because I can find so much "evidence" to support them. This evidence, though, is really just my own perception being seen through the lens of my emotion at the time, yet at the time, it seems so convincing. I find that when people actually present real evidence, I reject it because it doesn't feel as realistic as what I am currently perceiving. My greatest fear in letting go of the lie is that I will lack any evidence to support the alternative and I will have to blindly believe it, so there is a danger of being duped.

Yet isn't that exactly how our enemies work? They get a foothold into our lives and begin to speak ever so softly about something that is painful for us, just slightly off from the actual truth. It's so close, it sounds true, so we listen. The next thing we know, we're convinced of something false.

I've spoken much of my lie here. I feel as though every time I gain some ground in this area, it's not fully exposed, but a layer covering it has been removed. Yet if I really get down to the root of the matter and dig it out, I find that I really don't want to let go because I'm scared. I'm terrified of having to blindly believe things about myself. Yet I feel as thought the last 24 hours have not only exposed the lie's roots (I do pray that this is it), but they have also given me mounds upon mounds of evidence to support the alternative.

So to everyone who has taken the time to share truth with me, I appreciate it more than you can imagine. God has spoken much to me about identity and completely shifted how I even define my self worth. I will explain:

I have always taken a view of myself that I am worthless with out Jesus. Yet, this isn't true. John 3:16 says that God loves the entire world and would have that none perish. So God loves everyone, not just those that have received his grace. Ephesians 1 talks much about God chosing us before the creation of the world, and predestining us to stand blameless and receiving his grace. If God loves all, then he values all and he values all, then all have the same intrinsic worth, which he deemed worth sacrificing for. In order for God to love, he had to have seen value in loving us and seen us worth loving. Granted, this is all part of God's plan. He created us for us to know him and to be loved by him. He doesn't need us, but rather, he desires us, and THAT is what makes us worth something.

The fact that God chose me, loves me, gives me grace, died for me and will call me into eternal life with him isn't what gives me worth, rather it confirms that God values me. He always did, does now, and always will desire me. And why? As stated in Ephesians 1, it is according to the pleasure of his will. Pleasure. God finds pleasure in all of this. My worth is found in his pleasure and his desire for me.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not at the center of God's universe. He is. And all of this is to his glory. I don't deserve to be chosen or shown grace or loved or anything else, but he does it anyway. His mercy is glorious, but he receives glory by the fact that his desires and his will are what is carried out. So my worth really stems from God's glory. Now that's pretty cool, I think.

So what does all of this mean when it comes to digging out the lie? Well, the lie would be that I'm essentially worthless. The truth is that God has always seen me as priceless. The evidence for the lie is in my perception of being used and taken advantage of, of being small and insignificant, in being invisible. Yet I have been floored to see, just in the last 24 hours how untrue that is. I'm simply blown away. And honestly, the kind words, truth and pie that showed up hasn't done anything for my sense of self worth except to make me realize that if all of you love me this much, how much more does God desire and love me? It really has just pointed me back to Jesus.

Anyway, I'm very blessed to have friends like all of you. I'm pretty amazed, actually. God has opened my eyes to something, and I'm pretty excited to see what he does with it. Please, always point me to Jesus.

And on that note, it's time for bed.

One Thing Remains...

Higher than the mountains that i face
Stronger than the power of the grave
constant in the trial and the change

One thing remains

Your love never fails
It never gives up
It never runs out on me

Because on and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelmes and satisfies my soul
And i'll never, ever, have to be afraid

One thing remains

In death
In life
I'm confident and covered by the Power of Your great love

My dept is paid
Theres nothing that can separate
My heart from Your great love

Every once in a while a song comes along that really grips you. It effects you and doesn't leave you at all. This song is one of those. I have had this song in my head since for four days now and it's not getting old. It is so good to be reminded of the fact that God's love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me.

How often do I forget this? How often do I expect God's love to be just like the fickle human emotion that I see day to day. Yet Love is a choice and God IS love. He is infinate and perfect in that love and it isn't fickle. He isn't man that he should change his mind. He loves so much that he made a way for our sin to be forgiven, that we can know him. He is so faithful to redeem that he came to earth as man and was executed as an innocent, sacrificed on our behalf to bring ultimate justice for our sins upon himself. His great love draws us to him even now. How much I don't deserve it, yet how much he lavishes it on us!

Thank you, Father God for your great love. Thank you Jesus for your obedience, even to death on a cross. Thank you Holy Spirit for leading me to you and continually sanctifying me. Thank you God for your grace.

the last three days...

I decided earlier this week that I wanted to take three days off from all my events and just focus on my relationship with Christ. It was hard, but it was so good. As much as I would like to tell you what God told me, I must first go back a little ways and give you some background.

For a long while now, I've been battling with my flesh for a sense of worth and a strong identity. I had come to a place where I was no longer really turning to God for these things and in the wake of certain men, I felt worthless. The comparison game has continued for some time and I could never understand why I was so much less valued than they. I say this because what I was seeing was that they were consistently reached out to by others, drew a crowd and received a lot of attention. I felt like I was only ever given attention when someone needed something.

While on a recent trip, my heart grew so embittered that I kept trying to find a way to leave and avoid the situation altogether. Being four hours away from home, I couldn't and came to the conclusion that it wasn't my relationships that were broken, but that my relationship with Christ was and that was breaking my relationships with people. I had come to rely so much on my own strengths and talents, of which I really don't have many, that when around men who were extremely talented and, let's face it, good looking, I felt invisible and like far less of a man.

So I decided that since people had become something of an idol, I would take three days off from them and focus on Christ. The results were powerful.

First of all, God showed me that the identity I had taken on was that of a "need meeter". I was the guy who would be what you needed him to be in order to help you the most. In other words, I was a people pleaser. He then showed me through the word, bringing to mind experiences where I wasn't trying to please and other such things that my true identity wasn't that of a meeter of needs, but more akin to a dragon slayer. Cheesy, I know, but let's face it, what man doesn't connect with the imagery of Aragorn hacking down orcs and trolls? He showed me that, not only has he made me a warrior, but that he's instilled in me the skills and bravery to be one. He also showed me that I'm meant to be a man of valor and that I am, in fact, a hero and not just the lame guy who tries to make people happy.

He also showed me that he is the source of that strength, valor and heroicism. He provides for it and I need only to be obedient to his call. He will not let me fall and by his strength, I can scale a wall and take on thousands of enemies. He truly is the hero and metaphorically speaking, he is David, and I am one of his 33 valiant men.

For whatever reason, I began reading some of the minor prophets and I saw something that pegged me like a laser beam. Israel served other "gods" or idols. God destroyed them and sent them into Babalonian captivity for years and at the end, restored them. He warned them for a long time before that they would be taken captive, but also that he would restore them and replant them. I saw paralells in my life. I had turned to the idol of myself and people's opinions of me. He had caused them to fail and was destroying me in the process in order that he may restore me back to himself.

This morning, I read the beginning of Nehemiah, which seemed apt considering that was shortly after the end of their captivity. I love how often it mentions that he prayed and asked God for favor before the king and then was granted an opportunity to speak. He took a big risk asking to be able to return to rebuild Jerusalem, but God had a plan in it. It was the burden of his heart and God was the one that placed it there. In that, he acted valiently and very manly, though he would have been a eunich as the king's cupbearer. He's more man then most guys I know.

So the end result? God restored my identity in him, but more than that, he bolstered my masculinity. He showed me he was shattering idols and that he was rebuilding me into a more Christ like man. He then showed me that in order to really see the process completed, I have to act like a man. What does that mean? Well, much as I'd love to tell you, I'm not entirely sure myself, so I shall leave it to your speculation... :)

Today is our last full day in Japan. It is a day of rest, a day of taking in the city of Tokyo, a day to spend with Hiroto. So much has happened in the last 12 days, I can't even begin to describe all of it.

At no point have I felt like I don't fit here. Yes, there are plenty of differences, but for the most part, I've felt at home here like this is just right. I could easily move here. God has done so much here, he's really impacted some people and I can't even begin to express what has been happening in my own heart. I will try to get that all written down at some point. For now though, what I will miss:

1. The base.
2. Black Betty!
3. Nao-san, Sensei Naoki-san, Fumi-san and Hiroka-san
4. Justin, Yu, Tony, Loanna, Lindy, Derrick, John and Justin (aka Zoolander)
5. Paul Bostrom
6. Miso, rice balls, Crunky and Koala Bears and Peach Ice.
7. K's House Tokyo
8. The Sen-to
9. Yoshiaka Baptist Church
10. Most of all, though, even though I will still see them every week at church, I will miss being on a team with Orion (Oreo) Cannon, Lacy Goeden, Chelsea Norris, Natalie Hanson, Amy (Fockly) Findly, Amy Mihaly and Melissa Kraus The seven of you displayed so much faith and patience.

God has greatly blessed this trip and I am so sad to leave. To be honest, I really don't miss anything about America (except the people, of course. Don't worry, friends, I miss you all). I will be home on Monday, not sure of what time, but I do get back two hours before I leave. I love time travel. :)

Earthquakes are fun...

So far, we've been through five earthquakes. I was hoping for one, we've had five. Such an odd experience. One moment normal, then out of no where a ton of shaking for 30 seconds, then normal again. So weird.

When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on men’s wisdom, but on God’s power. 1 Cor 2:1-5

This has been my theme that God has been pounding me with this trip. I keep praying this is true of how I'm working on this trip. Please keep praying for us. We are now done with mucking out places, there simply isn't much left to be done in that sense, at least no one else is asking for help. Tomorrow, we will help with an english class, send home two members of our team and clean up the compound to prepare it for the next group. Friday, we will help with another cookout for the displaced before heading to the conference on Saturday. We still have 5 days here. It seems so weird to think that we're leaving that soon. Sort of surreal, really. Pray we make the most of it.

Grace and peace...

I feel numb. I've felt numb since I got here. Two days ago we went to the effected area and walked around the destruction. It was overwhelming. I've seen similar before, but never on this scale. What I saw in Slidell pales in comparison to what I saw in Ishinomaki. Yet my heart shuts off because of how horrible it is.

Concrete buildings ripped out; all that's left is the steel skeleton of what was once an office building. Rubble everywhere. What finally got me, though, was a coffee cup. Someone's coffee cup was sitting, half berried, full of mud. Someone brought that cup from home, most likely, drank from it every day and now it is destroyed. After that, I saw so many personal affects all over the place. That opened my eyes. This was more than just a destroyed industrial park. People died here.

Pray that God opens the eyes of our hearts to what he's doing here. We fully believe that he will use this disaster for good, as he was the one who was soveriegn over it in the first place. Pray that we can bring hope to these people beyond simply digging or giving a meal. Pray that God has his way.

Another day gone by...

I'm typing this from my phone as I managed to leave my wireless adapter at the other base. Today we go to church and that's our only plan. Day of rest.

We haven't done much so far but that will all change tomorrow. Yesterday, we helped put on a bbq for graduating kindergartners and then hung out with some kids at a youth meeting pit on by aspireing missionaries. It was fun bit surprisingly tireing. 

I keep wondering when it will hit me that I'm in a foriegn country. This place feels like home.

Day one... GO!

After 14 hours of flying, an hour on a train and some walking, we arrived at our hostel in Tokyo and I crashed for a solid 9 hours of sleep. Today, sitting in the lobby, talking with one another, sharing verses, having breakfast, it was sweet fellowship as we get ready to head out on a bullet train to the northern part of the country to Sendai. Today, we will be getting to work.

I am surprised at how little culture shock I'm experiencing. Maybe it's because I've always been so attuned to other cultures and grew up always moving, but this is the first time I've been out of the country since I was four. It's sort of sureal, sort of just... every day, to be honest.

I think it's because I'm so set on being in Sendai and ready to work. I have a vision and am set on it, so to think of us having a mission the entire way, in tokyo, at a hostel, on the train, in the market... all of it, it's not hitting me. Pray for my heart, that it really connects in to the vision for this trip in general, and not just in the tsunami effected area.

I'll keep you all posted on how things go!

Well, we're about 32 hours out from leaving, so I figure it's time to post an update.

So, I'm about to be fully funded! God dropped a pretty large fun bomb on me today, including talking to my uncle on the phone, whom I've never met and insisted on sending me a support check. From Uganda. Thankfully, my parents were able to help in the logistics of money juggling so that I can deposit that tomorrow. It made me very happy. Praise God!

A few prayer requests:

1. Pray for our transportation. It's been hard trying to figure out how we're going to get around once we get there. Most likely we'll be taking the bullet train to Sendai and then get a van (we may help purchase one, ironically being cheaper than renting). Either way, it's been a stresser for our team leader Orion, so you can lift him up in prayer for sure.

2. Pray for the Japanese. They are still hurting now three months after the tsunami and will be for years to come. Pray that Jesus reveals himself to them and the Gospel goes out! Also, pray for the relief efforts, that they go well and that, as we are commanded, that we unconditionally love and remember the poor and hurting.

3. Pray for our own hearts that we are loving always, quick to forgive each other, united, tight and energetic. We will have so many obstacles, language, culture, left sided driving, etc. Pray we stay strong and confident in our God and remain obedient to him. Pray that we connect intellectually and emotionally with this trip.

4. Pray that we are changed and that change filters out to the rest of Symbio.

5. For me, pray that I continue to be a support to Orion and right hand man. I am nervous, but confident, if that makes sense.

I will post again once we arrive and let y'all know were things stand and maybe, just maybe, have some fun pictures. :)

God Bless,

Lee

11 days to go...

Here we are coming up on June 3rd. 11 days until we board a plane and set off on what is going to be probably the most amazing, yet hardest thing I've ever done. I expect to see hardship and trial. I expect to see much destruction. I expect to hear stories that will make my head spin. I also expect to see God bare much fruit through us.

Please be praying for our team. All of us are experiencing frustrations, bitterness and trials. Even for myself, I have spent the last two days freaking out about minor things concerning the trip and ultimately had to lay them down and let God deal with them. He is good to do so. Orion and I had a pretty big misunderstanding that led to a big hurt, only to have it reconciled in the end. Things like this will come up and so far, God is working us through them. I am glad.

Please also continue to pray about how you may support us. Be it in prayer, financially or to encourage us, anything is appreciated. :)

Wow... 11 days...

Japan Prayer Requests...

So, I thought I would go ahead and post up the first round of prayer requests that I know of. I will probably have more to post later, but for now, this is what I know about:

1. Pray for God to move in the hearts of the Japanese. Pray for fertile soil for the seeds of the Gospel to be planted in. Pray that the Holy Spirit moves where we are going and that we may get to see a harvest in our short time.

2. Pray for our finances. Our tickets are going to be half the price we originally thought but we still need to raise a lot of money for this trip. Please pray that God provides as I am fully confident that he will.

3. Pray that the little details get worked out. It would be sad if someone had to drop out because their passport expired the day before we left or something. Pray that we remember all that is needed to be remembered and take care of all that needs to be taken care of.

4. Pray for the unity of our team! We need to be united and tight knit if God is going to use us effectively. Pray against bitterness, jealousy, anger, malice or dissension and pray for increased love, unity and gospel partnership with each other.

5. Pray for Orion as the leader of the trip. He's taking on a lot in this and needs much in the way of prayer. Pray for me also as the only other male, that I can be a strong support and humble servant. My goal is to make Orion's life easier and help him bare this burden.

Thanks!

Lee

From Katrina to Tsunami...

I've been thinking about my experiences in Louisiana a lot lately and how they may translate to this trip to Japan. In October of 2005, I was part of a group of fourty some people who spent sixty six hours on a bus to work for fourty four hours in Slidel, LA. In those fourty four hours, we tore down destroyed walls, hauled our carpet and served people in the food line. It was hard work, long hours and one of the greatest experiences of my life, yet I hardly interacted with anyone outside of our group. Why was it so amazing? Because God ripped out my heart, shattered it and rebuilt it all in a matter of a few minutes.

Arriving at the compound was erie. When we rolled in at 2am, there was a mist blowing through the hot, humid air, illuminated by large flood lights on the supply tents. Evidences of devestation were every where: trash strewn about, pieces of building, tattered clothes and muddied broken toys. It looked like a bomb had gone off and all of the fallout had landed. Add to that image the troop carriers and National Guard vehicles parked by the flood lights, it felt like I had just stepped into the filming of a war movie.

We found places to sleep and settled in, happy to be able to stretch

out on the church pews that would become our beds for the next few days. The next morning, we awoke to the sounds of two hundred volunteers getting out of bed and trying to quietly shuffle to start the day. After breakfast, we were sent out to different jobs, many to the community, but a handful of us "big guys" to mud-out the church's classrooms in the back. I greatly enjoyed being able to destroy things with good friends but was also frustrated that I had to stay on compound instead of going out into the community where the real adventure was.

You see, this was my first mission trip, and I was more concerned about having a cool experience and adventure than I was about touching people with the Gospel of Jesus. It wasn't until the next day that God affected that.

I was supposed to go out on a chain saw crew the next morning, but slept through my alarm and no one could find me. Instead, we finished up in the class rooms and then worked the food distribution line where I got to hand out bags of ice and bottled water to thousands of people. I watched as cars came up and would tell us that they had three or four families staying with them. I was again frustrated because it was hot and I was stuck in the sun handing out water that I myself really wanted to drink.

The area was already on alert because of the approach of Hurricane Rita and out of nowhere, the outer rain bands hit us. Everyone ran for cover and I stood and watched as the line that was already backed up for over half a mile was now standing still. These people who had lost everything just needed supplies and now they had to wait longer. I couldn't take it and my heart broke. I ran back out in the rain and began handing out ice and water in the pouring rain and powerful winds because there was no reason to hold back. I no longer cared about anything else than doing what I should have been doing anyway: loving people for the sake of Jesus.

In that trip, I never got to share the Gospel once. Yet I gained an understanding of the purpose of why we are to love the poor and downtrodden, the hurting and broken hearted. We are to love them because they are no different than us and Jesus loves them just as much as me.

My return to Fort Collins was so hard. I remember seeing a man jogging on the street at 5am and being extremely angry at him because his life was totally normal and hadn't been effected by the things I had just seen. It took me a week to get back to normal, but a few things have stuck with me ever since then:

1. I have so much and am in such a good place in life, so much that I have taken for granted. I am extremely thankful for that which I have and the fact that, here in America, I was raised safely, never being in want or need and have had tremendous opportunities. Since going to Louisiana, though I have stuff, I can't be dominated by it. It's rare that I ever have anything that I wouldn't sell or give away. I just don't care about any of it. So many people have nothing and are perfectly content. Others loose everything and are devastated. Stuff is stuff and though I am thankful for the relative affluence that I live in, I would leave it all to go make a difference.

2. Jesus loves people way more than I do, and he has helped me grow in love for them. My heart switched from the adventure to being deeply broken for those who have lost so much. Now, when a tragedy happens, my immediate reaction is to ask how I can get there and bring hope? I can do good wherever I want, but if I'm not bringing Jesus then my good deeds are pointless. I am not about going to do something unique or have a cool story. Ever since running out into the torrential rain, I'm about loving the people who are hurting and bringing them the hope that I have.

3. The best way to build unity is to serve together. I still have people in my life that I got to serve with in Slidel that I still have a strong affection for. These people will forever be in my life as the men and women I served in the trenches with.

So how does this translate to Japan? First of all, it's not about the adventure. God has placed this on my heart and I cannot wait to get there and meet people, start conversations, hug people, love on them and let them see us as the body of Christ! Secondly, I am excited for the team that we are sending. We are going to be a tight knit group, I can feel it. Thirdly, my heart is already broken, I'm prepared for it to be more so once I see the devastation and meet the displaced.

Please continue to pray for us. This trip will be good, but hard at the same time. Thanks!

Support Letter for Japan...

To my friends and family,

On March 11, 2011, One of the largest recorded earthquakes was reported off the coast of Japan. The resulting tsunami brought horrible destruction that no one was prepared for. Upon hearing the news, my immediate response was, “How do I get there?” I began to look for volunteer opportunities and an organization to work with. Now, working with two organizations known as Jhelp and CRASH Japan, a group of people from my church - Summitview Community Church - is planning a relief trip in mid June and I hope to take part in this trip. My heart in going is to do more than just shovel mud or swing a hammer; my heart in going is to bring the hope of Jesus Christ. As a Christian, I am called to help the poor and suffering and also to be a light in the darkness.

Ephesians 2:10 says, “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” I have thought much about this verse lately, and as I have prayed through it, I have come to believe that God would have me walk into good works in Japan. My heart is longing to help, I am available, but unfortunately, I am lacking in finances. I fully believe that God is able to provide, and am writing to ask if you would prayerfully consider being a part of this opportunity.

Beyond finances, though, there is also a great need for prayer, for myself, the team, but especially for the people of Japan. In Colossians 4:3 Paul says, "At the same time, pray also for us, that God may open to us a door for the word, to declare the mystery of Christ..." Even the greatest of missionaries knew the importance of prayer. I am asking that even if you cannot join in giving financially, that you would pray this same thing for me, as well as the rest of our team, that God would open a door for the word, to declare the mystery of Christ to the Japanese people. I will be updating my blog, periodically at first, then hopefully nightly once we land in Japan, should you want to follow and support me in prayer.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I covet your prayers and greatly appreciate any support that you may feel led to offer.

Grace and Peace to you in our Lord Jesus,

Lee Vary

Please mail donations to:

Leighton Vary

3000 Regatta Lane #3

Fort Collins, CO 80525

http://www.psalm63.one.blogspot.com/

http://www.facebook.com/leevary

On Japan...

He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’ ; and, ‘Love your neighbor asyourself.’ ” - Luke 10:27

Paul Rusesabagina: I am glad that you have shot this footage and that the world will see it. It is the only way we have a chance that people might intervene.
Jack: Yeah and if no one intervenes, is it still a good thing to show?
Paul Rusesabagina: How can they not intervene when they witness such atrocities?
Jack: I think if people see this footage they'll say, "oh my God that's horrible," and then go on eating their dinners.
[pause]
Jack: What the hell do I know?

-Hotel Rwanda

We have all seen what has happened in Japan. We've all watched the videos, seen the photos, been exposed to the media hype about nuclear contamination, but how many of us have really taken the time to consider what we can do to help? I am as guilty as everyone for having said the very words that Joaquin Phoenix's character Jack drunkenly utters in Hotel Rwanda about many atrocities. I have taken a few steps but only followed through a handful of times. I may have done some relief work after Katrina hit, but other than that I donated my $10 to the red cross when Haiti's earthquake happened and allowed myself great pride in thinking that I had made a difference (I wanted to go, but didn't capitalize on the opportunity because I simply didn't prepare for it).

Is this loving? Jesus talks about loving the Lord our God with all of our hearts, minds, soul and strength and then immediately says that the next command is just like the first: To love our neighbor as ourselves. I think of the story of the good Samaritan, taking the time, energy and money to care for someone who was left for dead by robbers, a priest and a levite. I think of how Jesus described the Samaritan as a good neighbor. I think of how little I do when I am commanded to care for the poor and suffering. I find it so interesting that Jesus actually connects loving God with loving people.

Early Christians really got this. The early church in Rome took care of plague victims when the rest of the city abandoned them, giving their very bodies over to certain death to bring love compassion and care to dying people. Why would they do such a thing? Because of Jesus's words in Luke, "love your neighbor as yourself." Why would I, a comfortable American be willing to fly thousands of miles, work long hours doing back breaking work for a people who will never remember my name? Because Jesus says to love my neighbor, and I want to show them the love of Christ.

Right now, we have a team of four men on the ground in Japan looking to make contacts and figure out what we can do. Organizations are now asking for people to come and help. The need is huge and many are poised to help. I know that I am not alone in my heart to bring help and the Gospel to Japan.

My hope is that I can go. It is the cry of my heart. I want to be on the ground, loving with the love of Jesus, serving, caring, helping, and bringing healing to Sendai and the surrounding area. Honestly, that is what I want wherever I go. But even if I can't, I will still do what I can stateside. I will not allow myself the luxury of believing that my feeling sad is enough. Love is active and love is giving. Love is self sacrificing and I would gladly give my body to the flames if it meant a door was opened for Jesus to be known.

So I ask you to consider what you can do. Prayer is huge. Prayer for those affected by the tsunami and quake, prayer for the people in general. Prayer for the Gospel and prayer for workers. Money is huge too. Many who are available can't afford to fund the trip; consider sponsoring someone to go. Donate to CRASH Japan, the Red Cross, Samarian's Purse or other organizations that are providing relief. Consider going yourself. But above all, do not forget them when it is no longer a popular discussion topic. Please help.

Grace and Peace,

Lee

Lately, I've been learning that the secret to contentment is making myself believe that God has a purpose in everything in my life. There is a purpose in fulfilling my desires and a purpose in withholding them. There is a purpose in calling me to go and in calling me to stay. There is a purpose that has nothing and everything to do with me. Nothing in that he does all thing for his glory and not mine. Everything in that he is working something to his glory in me.

convicting quote...

Men: You are made for greatness. You are made to stand up and be men. You are made to defend women and children not stand by and turn your head when you know that murder is occurring and do nothing. You are not made to use women and leave us alone. You are made to be kind and great and gracious and strong and stand for something. Because men, listen to me: I am too tired to do your job.

-Gianna Jessen, abortion survivor

On Mawwiage...

In a conversation during our leader's meeting last night, the subject of marriage came up. I don't even remember how, but I do remember my response. Back in the old days of the Rock, marriage was a seemingly forbidden topic. If I mentioned that I wanted to be married someday, it was quickly met with, "What if you're one of those men who's never supposed to get married?" Now, I understand the intent, not to allow the desire for marriage or relationship to become an idol, but something else happened. Somehow that message twisted.

Please understand, too, I'm not blaming the Rock. I'm the one who got things twisted.

One thing that was mentioned in that conversation last night was how much modern Christendom can condemn the desire for marriage as selfish and wrong. That is exactly what had happened in my case. How many men view the desire to be married as wrong and try to purge it in an attempt to gain Godliness with contentment? Guess what guys, it doesn't work. You're wired that way, and unless it really is God's intent for you to not be married, that desire is only going to get stronger.

The funny thing is that only a few hours earlier I had been conversing with a pastor about that very thing. How twisted this was in my own head/heart and how it deeply effected my whole worldview and confused me on God. God wants us to delight in him and not hope in our desires, but Psalm 37:4 says pretty plainly, "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." God doesn't want us to purge our desires, especially the ones he wired us with, he just wants us to desire and pursue him first and then allow him to be the provider and fulfiller of our other longings.

The twisting of this whole idea deeply effected how I saw myself and caused a tremendous amount of pain and sorrow in my heart. It's funny, the Buddhists believe that desire is the source of pain and to live a right life, one's life must be purged of all desire (then one will attain enlightenment). Yet, as I attempted to purge the desire, it only grew stronger and I hurt all the more (Which just goes to show why I'm not a Buddhist). God's intent is for us to enjoy having our longings fulfilled by him. This morning, he showed me that by giving me Proverbs 5:18-19:

May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer
— may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

God designed marriage not just for a place for procreating the human race, not just to be a picture of unity, but for a place of deep blessing and enjoyment. I mean, just look at the wording in this passage: blessed, rejoice, satisfy, be intoxicated. And what are these words describing? Not his relationship with God, but with his wife! The desire for marriage is not wrong, but GOOD! The desire for marriage is Godly! We think that all of our relational needs and desires must be filled by God only, but we forget that God designed us for community, fellowship and union with each other. If God designed us for those things with one another, then we can be free to enjoy our relationships, especially with our spouse. After all, it is God who said through Solomon that a man who finds a wife finds a good thing and receives favor from the Lord. FAVOR FROM THE LORD!

So why the heck am I writing this? It's not because I'm going to go get all engaged tomorrow, so don't think that. Really, it's because I don't believe that I'm the only one with this view of needing to purge desire to gain contentment. Submit desires to God, trust him like a child trusts its parents and start taking this seriously. I know I am.

an update, I suppose...

So, I'm sort-of unemployed. I'm looking for work, have submitted my resume probably close to 30 places since mid December and have been trying to get through to Unemployment for the last three weeks.

Yesterday, after about an hour of constantly hitting redial, I finally got put into the hold que. I decided to put my phone on the charger and whilst bungling around with it, I dropped my phone and caught it, my finger landing on the hang-up key. The slew of swear words that came vomiting out of my mouth probably would have made a sailor blush and my hand now hurts from me pounding on my desk in what was probably the closest thing to a rage that I had experienced in a while... and I broke.

I was already discouraged, different places I had gone proved to be fruitless that morning, but this just broke me. I felt like a big, fat, useless, ugly, stupid, worthless failure. I sat, sobbing at my desk wondering what the heck I was going to do, as my cash flow is now horribly short. I finally pulled myself together and began the endless redials of the unemployment customer service line for the next hour.

While going through those redials, I took some time to really examine why I was so upset. It really didn't have anything to do with the job hunt or unemployment, though that certainly aggravated things. It had everything to do with the immense disappointment that I felt, and was sure that everyone else saw in me. I felt like an utter failure at life since I am 31, never been in a relationship, given up all hope for marriage, am 20 grand in debt and have been let go from four different jobs in the last five years. Now, searching for a job, I just felt this incredible shame and self disgust that much more.

But while endlessly pressing redial, one thought kept creeping into my mind: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.- Jeremiah 29:11. After an hour of redialing, I was in the hold que again. After being on hold for around an hour and a half, I spoke to a representative who reopened my claim.

This morning, I read Psalm 18:1-15 as part of my morning QT. The whole time, I had "Thundered" by Steele Croswhite in my head. I don't know how all of this is going to play out, but I do believe that God is in control. He can make even the ugliest of things glorious, including this goober of a man who is currently just trying to survive. I don't know what's going to happen, but I am starting to have some hope again.

Psalm 18: 1-19

¹I love you, LORD, my strength.

² The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield^b]">[b] and the horn^c]">[c] of my salvation, my stronghold.

³ I called to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
and I have been saved from my enemies.
⁴ The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.
⁵ The cords of the grave coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.

⁶ In my distress I called to the LORD;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.
⁷ The earth trembled and quaked,
and the foundations of the mountains shook;
they trembled because he was angry.
⁸ Smoke rose from his nostrils;
consuming fire came from his mouth,
burning coals blazed out of it.
⁹ He parted the heavens and came down;
dark clouds were under his feet.
¹⁰ He mounted the cherubim and flew;
he soared on the wings of the wind.
¹¹ He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him—
the dark rain clouds of the sky.
¹² Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced,
with hailstones and bolts of lightning.
¹³ The LORD thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded.^d]">[d]
¹⁴ He shot his arrows and scattered the enemy,
with great bolts of lightning he routed them.
¹⁵ The valleys of the sea were exposed
and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at your rebuke, LORD,
at the blast of breath from your nostrils.

¹⁶ He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
¹⁷ He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
¹⁸ They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the LORD was my support.
¹⁹ He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.

God speaks of his love in the funniest of places...

So, a quick disclaimer: I am not one to find meaning in secular plot lines. I didn't get all wiggly and excited when Neo showed up as a messiah figure in the Matrix, I don't use LOTR to illustrate Christian truth, and I never see symbolism where it is not. Usually I simply put on my goggles of suspension of disbelief, sit back and enjoy the ride. However, every once in a while God will quietly, gently speak to my heart through totally inoquious things and it is quite powerful.

This is somewhat of a spoiler, so if you haven't seen the TRON: Legacy and you actually care enough about it to not want to know certain details then stop reading... NOW.

So, quick background: Kevin Flynn has created a digital world and was betrayed by a program he created called CLU. While inside he discovered isomorphic algorithms, which are essentially digital life forms that manifested inside the system; they will change the entire world. CLU saw them as an imperfection, and as he had been charged to create the perfect system, he wiped them all out, all but one, Quorra.

Flynn's son Sam gets zapped into the system and towards the endish of the movie asks Quorra how she had found Flynn. She says that Flynn had found her. That when CLU began to purge the ISO's, she was smuggled to the outerlands by sympathetic programs, but soon, CLU's black guards had found her and she was surrounded. "I prepared for the end... Then I felt a hand on my shoulder from above. Nice and warm. And When I looked up.. I saw him, The creator. Your father. I guess you could say... I'm a rescue."

I watched that, and I know that it wasn't in any sort of way a religious reference. But this thought crossed my mind, "In the same way, you were doomed for destruction, and you felt my hand pull you up, take you in. I am your creator and I did this. I rescued you to be mine." God used a line to hit my heart and show me his love. Something so simple, so secular, so unintentionally profound. I loved it.

additional Faithwalkers thoughts...

So I've had time to meditate some more on the Faithwalkers teachings and I really appreciated something that Pat Sokol shared. He talked about the disciple's love of the body and how we are all really just a pixel in the image that God is creating. But... that's not the image that I really connected with. He talked about being a foot ball player, especially a lineman (which I was). Each position on the field has a specific task during each play. Now, stars are made when people can run and catch and score TD's, but a lineman is never a start. The two years I played (and I really wasn't that great. I really sucked pretty bad), I never even thought about being a star. It seriously never even crossed my mind.

I like the lineman analogy because it really shows that we all have a part to play to make something happen. The pixel analogy is good too, but it feels more passive. I like the idea of getting into the action and doing my part, that part being what ever God calls me to do.

We as members of the body are all players in the same game. We all have different jobs, though and if one person doesn't do their job, then the play will probably fall to pieces. Paul says in Romans 12:3-8, "For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully"

It is interesting to me, as a member of the church I am so tempted to try to build myself up for the sake of my own pride, but as a foot ball player, I never once tried to be a star. It never even crossed my mind. I was a defensive tackle and I knew my job was to plug holes first and try to get to the ball. In the process, it took two, sometimes three guys to block me, creating large gaps for our line backers. I was happy to do my job and never tried to do anything else. I had a couple of fumble recoveries. Did I get those to boost myself? No, it was just what I did for the sake of the team. So in my life in the church, I should do my job for the sake of the body. Being a star should never enter into the equation. After all, the star is Jesus so then what does that make my attempts to stand out? Really, they are tantamount to idolatry.

And besides, when it comes to being a humble servant, what does the word say? “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble (James 4:6b)." God promises to reward those who earnestly seek him, and it may not be in recognition in this life, but I will definitely get to hear him say, "Well done" when I get to heaven (or in Pat Sokol's case, "That'll do, pig." Still makes me laugh!). So, to heck with Stardom! I'm going to do what God's got me doing, building into men, and I'm going to do it with everything I've got.

Faithwalkers and my response...

This year, Faithwalkers wasn't anything earth shattering or hugely life changing for me. But, though it seemed that way in years past, it really wasn't then either. However, though not utterly mind-blowing for me, it was still absolutely amazing!

I feel that I've come to understand the way that these big conferences work. In the past, I went in with an agenda on what I wanted to hear. I wanted to be told certain things about my life and especially to hear God's leading for my life, to receive some sort of call and be ready to go with that. However, the special call never came and the things I wanted to hear were often times dashed to pieces by what I did receive, resulting in a very difficult, often discouraging time until I can get everything processed and then proceed to do nothing about it.

This year, I went in with a different attitude. I went in with no agenda. I simply wanted to hear God speak. And speak he did. I went in with only 2 questions: 1. How can I love God more? and 2. What does God want me to hear? He answered both of those questions and here's how:

1. How can I love God more? There are aspects to the answer to this question, so I'll break it down.

• Understand God's love for me. I didn't choose God, he chose me. He tells me this constantly in different ways and I want to start keeping a written record of how God communicates his love for me (a la Josh Whitney).
• Tithe. I can really struggle with finances and my tithing tends to be hit or miss. Time to suck it up and eat ramen if necessary so that money can go to my tithe, but I want to be motivated by love and not duty.
• Obey. I have this tendency to think things are a great idea and I SHOULD implement them into my life, but I don't ever actually do them. Well, I'm tired of coasting. It's time to step up and take action. Time to actually do what the bible says and care for the poor, serve the lost and speak the gospel when opportunities arise.

2. What does God want me to hear? He showed me a couple of things:

• I'm selfish with my love for people. I'll give of my time and money and energy, but I don't open my heart up to people except in very specific circumstances. In fact, if we look at love languages, I do not feel loved by gifts, words of encouragement, touch or acts of service UNLESS they are accompanied by quality time, and specifically someone pursuing me out for my benefit, truly being a mutually encouraging relationship. Then, and only then do my walls come down and then I feel loved by everyone, otherwise I feel loved by no one. God showed me a few weeks ago how much I can turn to him to experience love, but at FW, he showed me that I need to expand how I experience love and allow others to love me where they are at.
• He showed me that the best way to have compassion on someone is to hear their story, ask questions and then respond accordingly. I made an assumption about some people and then didn't take action, but never confirmed my assumption with them personally by talking with them. Instead, I walked by and over heard a conversation and made a decision based on that. How stupidly hypocritical of me! Whether I did something or not, I could have at least talked with them, right? This makes me want to do the hand warmers that much more now, not to try to seek some sort of salvation from my hypocrisy, but because seeing my sin has created a greater resolve to aide those who really need it.

So what are my practicals? Well, let's list them as resolutions, huh?

1. Keep a written record of how God communicates his love for me throughout the year.
2. Obey what I read and when I am prompted.
3. Be a good witness for the Gospel.
4. Tithe every pay check.
5. Be more generous.
6. Allow people greater access to my heart and stop waiting for the specific situation to feel loved (this one will probably take a LOT more work than I'm really ready for, but oh well, it must be done.)
7. Read my bible and pray daily.
*NON FAITHWALKERS RELATED*
8. Gym three times a week at least and control diet. I want to be off my diabetes and BP meds by December 31.
9. Keep my room and kitchen clean.
10. Be more controlled with my entertainment. I'm so distracted by things like Facebook and netflix, it's rediculous.

So there we have it. I walked away from FW this year very encouraged and built up, and honestly, I have a greater vision for my life than before. I can honestly see myself going over seas for the sake of the kingdom, but at the same time, I'm totally content in whatever God calls me to.