an update, I suppose...

So, I'm sort-of unemployed. I'm looking for work, have submitted my resume probably close to 30 places since mid December and have been trying to get through to Unemployment for the last three weeks.

Yesterday, after about an hour of constantly hitting redial, I finally got put into the hold que. I decided to put my phone on the charger and whilst bungling around with it, I dropped my phone and caught it, my finger landing on the hang-up key. The slew of swear words that came vomiting out of my mouth probably would have made a sailor blush and my hand now hurts from me pounding on my desk in what was probably the closest thing to a rage that I had experienced in a while... and I broke.

I was already discouraged, different places I had gone proved to be fruitless that morning, but this just broke me. I felt like a big, fat, useless, ugly, stupid, worthless failure. I sat, sobbing at my desk wondering what the heck I was going to do, as my cash flow is now horribly short. I finally pulled myself together and began the endless redials of the unemployment customer service line for the next hour.

While going through those redials, I took some time to really examine why I was so upset. It really didn't have anything to do with the job hunt or unemployment, though that certainly aggravated things. It had everything to do with the immense disappointment that I felt, and was sure that everyone else saw in me. I felt like an utter failure at life since I am 31, never been in a relationship, given up all hope for marriage, am 20 grand in debt and have been let go from four different jobs in the last five years. Now, searching for a job, I just felt this incredible shame and self disgust that much more.

But while endlessly pressing redial, one thought kept creeping into my mind: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.- Jeremiah 29:11. After an hour of redialing, I was in the hold que again. After being on hold for around an hour and a half, I spoke to a representative who reopened my claim.

This morning, I read Psalm 18:1-15 as part of my morning QT. The whole time, I had "Thundered" by Steele Croswhite in my head. I don't know how all of this is going to play out, but I do believe that God is in control. He can make even the ugliest of things glorious, including this goober of a man who is currently just trying to survive. I don't know what's going to happen, but I am starting to have some hope again.

Psalm 18: 1-19

¹I love you, LORD, my strength.

² The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield^b]">[b] and the horn^c]">[c] of my salvation, my stronghold.

³ I called to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
and I have been saved from my enemies.
⁴ The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.
⁵ The cords of the grave coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.

⁶ In my distress I called to the LORD;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.
⁷ The earth trembled and quaked,
and the foundations of the mountains shook;
they trembled because he was angry.
⁸ Smoke rose from his nostrils;
consuming fire came from his mouth,
burning coals blazed out of it.
⁹ He parted the heavens and came down;
dark clouds were under his feet.
¹⁰ He mounted the cherubim and flew;
he soared on the wings of the wind.
¹¹ He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him—
the dark rain clouds of the sky.
¹² Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced,
with hailstones and bolts of lightning.
¹³ The LORD thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded.^d]">[d]
¹⁴ He shot his arrows and scattered the enemy,
with great bolts of lightning he routed them.
¹⁵ The valleys of the sea were exposed
and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at your rebuke, LORD,
at the blast of breath from your nostrils.

¹⁶ He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
¹⁷ He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
¹⁸ They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the LORD was my support.
¹⁹ He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.