Chik-Fil-A never tasted so good...

A family in my church has a three year old little girl who is currently battling cancer.  This family is a part of the "mulitples club" as they have, not one set, but two sets of twins.  This last thursday the club put on a Spirit Night at Chick-Fil-A for this sweet little girl and... wow.  Just... WOW!

For those who don't know, a Spirit Night is a way to fund raise.  You organize with the restaurant and then people say they are there for whatever your organization is and 20% of the sale go to you.  For this little's girl, the line didn't go out the door... it snaked all the way around the restaraunt.  More people waited outside.  I stood in line for 40 minutes.  The line at the drive through went past Albertsons.  There was no place to park.  The place was packed with no place to sit and whole families were outside playing at the petting zoo or getting their faces painted.  I talked with the woman behind me and asked if she knew the family.  She didn't, but she was there to support them.  She herself had twins and was in the club, and she was there to support a family she had never even met.  Wow.

I love reading the Alvarado's blog.  You can find it here:  http://spendandbespent.blogspot.com/p/the-beginning-esthers-treatment-plan.html  I'll warn you, it's hard to read without being moved to tears, and I'm a dude.  To read of the trial, the struggle and the faith and hope that this family has in God and his power, I am moved and inspired.  I pray that when circumstances this hard strike me that I will find as much peace as I see here.

I am reminded of a verse in Isaiah: 

You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. - Isaiah 26:3

I love that.  And I see it here.  I pray that my heart and mind may be that steadfast.  I pray that the Alvarados' will continue to be.

Pray for Esther.

~L

I have decided to quit Facebook.  Why?  Because I'm tired of having the temptation to use it as an emotional outlet, word vomitting all over everyone who is my "friend" (I use quotes because a facebook friend isn't anything like a real friend.  Let's face it, I collect facebook friends like trading cards).  Also, I'm tired of the thought process that I find myself going through saying, "Look, I have 785 friends!  I'm popular!"  There is an identity that comes with social media that I don't like, and I've slipped into it.

I prefer face-to-face contact anyway.  It's much better for my life and probably for yours.  This blog hasn't been updated in quite a while, not since April.  I intend to use this space as I always have:  To journal my thoughts from the word, to talk about mission trips and the general adventure of the Christian life.

So, with that, stay tuned.  I have much to blog about.

Musings on getting older...

Sunday the 15th was my birthday.  It passed by with little fanfare, save the 96 facebook posts all basically saying the same thing.  But no party, a few texts and no phone calls.  I spent it on the way back from Las Vegas where 2 other friends and I decided to go take a vacation in honor of our common April birth-month.  Surprisingly, it didn't really bother me that my birthday seemed to pass by so quietly and go un-celebrated.  Perhaps this is a sign of maturity, or at the very least sweet self-forgetfulness, but either way, I am certain of one thing:  Life doesn't stop moving, even when you try to sit and do nothing.

I turned 33 this year and though I may joke that I'm old, I know that I'm still young and have a lot of life ahead of me.  I also know that I've left a lot of life behind, Life that really went unspent, squandered and for much of it, I was bored and miserable.  But this last year has shown me what it looks like to really step out and take a big chance, trust God for something big.  And with that, I've decided to step out and do something even bigger.  I'm currently talking with a missions organization about working in Japan.  My biggest obstacle?  Something that I should have taken care of long ago:  about $14,000 in debt.  This isn't the biggest of things for God to take care of, and even they said it's not that big of a deal as long as I'm making headway on it.  But I want to have it cleared before I go.

So why did I suddenly decide to do this this year?  Well, the answer is simple:  I'm not getting any younger.  I can't very well see big things happen through my life if I don't take a few risks, right?  And besides, as an uneducated, single 33 year old in Fort Collins, Colorado, what does my life really have in store?  I have no relationship prospects, no marketable skills and very few strong relational connections at all.  So why not go?  Seems like the time is right and the field is white for harvest.

But this also brings up something else that I've been pondering lately:  Will I ever actually get married?  Perhaps the biggest reason why this question is coming up is because I have no real prospects here and in going to another country, I can't say that I see that changing there either.  Not that I have anything against Japanese women, just that I'm not going for that reason.  I'm going for the sake of the Gospel.  God can do what he wants, yes, but the reality is, I don't want that to be anywhere near my motivations.

Yet it is not good for man to be alone, as God says in Genesis.  And as I have so few strong relational connections here, I have to ask myself the question of why that is.  Is it because I'm being pulled away to someplace else?  Or is it because there is something broken in me that prevents me from forming attachments?  Either way, my current state tends towards loneliness and feeling like I have no one at my side.  A helper would be nice, a companion, a friend who isn't going to move on without me, but I've grown accustomed to being left behind.  So maybe it's time that it goes the other way:  Lee moves on and life in FoCo keeps on going like nothing even changed.

I am excited for this new venture in life, but at the same time, scared to do it alone.  I know that I will have a church that I will be working with and I know that I will become close to a few people there, but the idea of starting completely over and having to build a new support structure (when my current one is already in shambles for lack of maintenance on my part), is daunting at the very least and cripplingly terrifying at the worst.  But perhaps that is something that I need, a removal of all earthly supports to force me into a position of trusting God for all things.  Thankfully, that thought is fairly reassuring.

Whatever happens, though, this is the year that Lee steps out.  This is the year that Lee puts himself in a scary place to see God do something great.  This is the year that Lee stops squandering his life and becomes a blessing to others.  This is the year that Lee comes alive.  God will do something and all I have to do is walk forward.  Let him have his way, I am ready.

Japan?

Trying to put into words something that you believe God has placed on your heart can be quite difficult.  Especially when what you are experincing is more feeling than logical deduction.  I'm going to attempt to do my best here.

I have lived in the United states for a cumulative 30 years but have never really felt like this was my home.  Even though I know and understand the culture, the environment, the people, I have never really felt like this was my culture.  Now some may quote CS Lewis in this case, stating that I must be meant for another, heavenly home.  However this is not what I'm talking about.  I am an American, but I've always felt like I was meant for something else.

I've always had a heart for the world, and over the years God has refined that desire.  Being in Tokyo recently made me see that my heart isn't for going places, but for people.  As much as I enjoyed seeing places of culture and history, it was all so empty.  I loved the people I was with in Tokyo, but they were all Americans, people of similar cultural background.  I don't feel like I got to experience Japan in Tokyo, but tourism along with fellow tourists.  Don't get me wrong, I had fun, but the hilight of the entire trip was in Hamamatsu.

Hamamatsu was entirely relational.  I still didn't get to experience Japan in the strictest sense... We participated in an American style wedding with many other cultures represented.  We got to experience the church in Hamamatsu as we participated in that wedding, ate meals together tore down and setup together.  Aside from watching my friends get married, the hilight of the trip was sitting, of all places, at a Starbucks with several people who were in or at the wedding, just talking.  I traveled half way 'round the world and experienced sweet fellowship with brothers and sisters in Christ.  To be honest, it felt more like home than home did.  

My favorite experience in Tokyo was meeting with someone I had met in Tohoku and catching up.  Experiencing fellowship with a sister in Christ that I barely know.  Hearing her story as an American working with YWAM in Japan greatly encouraged me and if anything, stregthened what I was already feeling about Japan.  Talking with on of my fellow Americans about his heart for missions and experiences made me seriously think about my life and what exactly it was that I was praying about.

My heart for Japan has developed, not from a desire to see it's history and experience it's culture.  It's come from meeting it's people, my heart breaking and seeing how much workers are needed for that harvest.  In Matthew 9:37 and 38, Jesus said to his disciples, “The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest.”  Part of this, though, is to understand that we are all workers in whatever harvest he sends us to.  My prayer for many years would be that God would simply have his way with me, to use me as he sees fit.  Would God send me to the harvest in Japan?  More specifically, would he send me to Hamamatsu?

While in Japan, I began to pray about relocating to Hamamatsu, one morning I read Psalm 20 and verses 4 and 5 lept off the page (or rather, off my cell phone screen):  "May he grant you your heart's desire and fulfill all your plans! May we shout for joy over your salvation,    and in the name of our God set up our banners!May the Lord fulfill all your petitions!" Perhaps it's time just to take the plunge?

Are you still praying for Japan?

It's funny what God does sometimes.

Last week, I was challenged by a very close friend of mine, one Andrea Skerry, to love others more than I love myself.  At first, I was a bit shocked.  "I'm good at that already," I thought.  But then the reality of it hit me and I saw that, not only was I not very good at loving others, I sucked horribly at it.  Since then, I've made it a point to be more outward focused, to have a greater, stronger love for others, to put their needs before my own, to truly love as unconditionally as I, a fallen human being can love and something amazing happened.  For the first time... ever, I felt loved myself.  I felt like I fit.  That's such a rarity for me.  I felt like I was not only doing what I was designed to do, but I was living life as God wanted it.  I truly was where I belonged.

Today, I accidentally pulled up google earth on my phone.  The last time I played with it, I was looking at Ishinomaki, Japan, at the places where we went.  So, the earth spun to Japan and landed on the coastline along the small seaport city.  But the pictures had all been updated since the last time I saw that view.  Now, instead of full neighborhoods, there were large patches of dirt and debris with the occasional standing house.  I even found the shrine outlook that we visited on our last day there and could connect what I saw then with what I was looking at now.  My heart broke into a million pieces.

I spent the better half of the next hour looking at the Tohoku area on Google Maps and my heart just broke more and more.  Not long after that, I received an email about a potential year long trip and something stirred inside me.  "I have to go back," I kept thinking to myself.  My brain the suddenly switched to what I can only guess was the Holy Spirit speaking of the city of Ninaveh in Jonah 4, only with the nation of Japan in it's place, "And should I not have concern for the great [nation] of [Japan], in which there are more than a hundred and twenty [million] people who cannot tell their right hand from their left...?”  

I can't say that the desire to go back to Japan ever really left me, but I did dismiss it for a while.  Now, seeing this, timed with the possibility of a return next summer has stirred me once again.  As I'm learning what it is to "remove myself from the equation" and love others greater than myself, as I'm learning to give of myself for the sake of another, to lay down my life, my rights, my freedoms and my desires to benefit someone else and experience God's love and satisfaction and true life in the process, I can't help but wonder just how much God is preparing me for use in something like this.  Now, I have no idea what he's really doing, I could very well let my emotions simmer down and tomorrow be all in here in FoCo, but somehow, I doubt it.  My boldness with the truth is increasing and more and more, I want to make Jesus famous and myself secondary.

Are you still praying for the people of Japan who are still recovering from the devestating tsunami that hit more than six months ago?  Are they still on your minds at all?  Do you pray for their salvation and their recovery?  I haven't been nearly as much as I used to and that changes today.

I will keep praying about this.  I would challenge you, reader, to pray about going on a church plant yourself.  Ask God to give you a heart for the Great Commission.  Will you make him famous?  And if you have that heart, are you making him famous here, in FoCo?

This song has been flowing through my head all day:

Failure doesn't phase you.
Worry doesn't win.
Lost doesn't leave you afraid to start again.
Our sin doesn't shock you.
Our shame doesn't shame you at all.
Mistakes do not move you.
Terror doesn't tame.
Death doesn't doom you to life in the grave.
Our suffering doesn't scare you.
Our secrets won't surprise you at all.
At all.

There is nothing above you.
There is nothing beyond you.
There is nothing that you can't do.
There is no one beside you.
There is no one that's like you.
There is nothing that you can't do.
Whatever will come, we'll rise above.
You fail us not, You fail us not.
No matter the war, our hope is secure.
You fail us not, You fail us not.
You fail us not.

Hatred doesn't hide you.
Evil doesn't ail.
Despair can't disguise you and tell you that you fail.
Our doubt doesn't daunt you.
Our darkness won't defeat you at all.
At all.

There is nothing above you.
There is nothing beyond you.
There is nothing that you can't do.
Whatever will come, we'll rise above.
You fail us not, You fail us not.
No matter the war, our hope is secure.
You fail us not, You fail us not.
Whatever will come, we'll rise above.
You fail us not, You fail us not.
No, You fail us not.
You fail us not.

-Fail Us Not - 1000 Generations

How long, O Lord?

How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I take counsel in my soul

and have sorrow in my heart all the day?

How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;

light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,

lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed over him,"

lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love;

my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

I will sing to the LORD,

because he has dealt bountifully with me.

Psalm 13

This Psalm pretty much sums up how I feel at the moment. I have a ton of questions floating around in my head; questions like, "What is the purpose of my being in Fort Collins?", "Why do I never feel like I fit in?" and "Why is my heart so broken in the area of friendship?" But the biggest question I find myself asking is, "How Long do I have to face this disappointment?" I have been waiting for something for a long time now, 2 years in fact. 2 years and over the last few months, I've come to realize that the goal I was aiming for was not the goal that God intended for me. It's amazing how obvious that became and how crushing it can be, but at the same time, how kind, wonderful and comforting God is in the midst of it.

Disappointment is never fun, but one thing is certain. Romans 8:28 will always apply, that God works all things for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. I've watched God do great things in my life before. I will see him do great things again. I will leave a passage that a friend recently shared with me that has spoken so deeply to my soul:

When you did awesome things that we did not look for,

you came down, the mountains quaked at your presence.
From of old no one has heard
or perceived by the ear,
no eye has seen a God besides you,
who acts for those who wait for him.

Isaiah 64:3-4