Japan?

Trying to put into words something that you believe God has placed on your heart can be quite difficult.  Especially when what you are experincing is more feeling than logical deduction.  I'm going to attempt to do my best here.

I have lived in the United states for a cumulative 30 years but have never really felt like this was my home.  Even though I know and understand the culture, the environment, the people, I have never really felt like this was my culture.  Now some may quote CS Lewis in this case, stating that I must be meant for another, heavenly home.  However this is not what I'm talking about.  I am an American, but I've always felt like I was meant for something else.

I've always had a heart for the world, and over the years God has refined that desire.  Being in Tokyo recently made me see that my heart isn't for going places, but for people.  As much as I enjoyed seeing places of culture and history, it was all so empty.  I loved the people I was with in Tokyo, but they were all Americans, people of similar cultural background.  I don't feel like I got to experience Japan in Tokyo, but tourism along with fellow tourists.  Don't get me wrong, I had fun, but the hilight of the entire trip was in Hamamatsu.

Hamamatsu was entirely relational.  I still didn't get to experience Japan in the strictest sense... We participated in an American style wedding with many other cultures represented.  We got to experience the church in Hamamatsu as we participated in that wedding, ate meals together tore down and setup together.  Aside from watching my friends get married, the hilight of the trip was sitting, of all places, at a Starbucks with several people who were in or at the wedding, just talking.  I traveled half way 'round the world and experienced sweet fellowship with brothers and sisters in Christ.  To be honest, it felt more like home than home did.  

My favorite experience in Tokyo was meeting with someone I had met in Tohoku and catching up.  Experiencing fellowship with a sister in Christ that I barely know.  Hearing her story as an American working with YWAM in Japan greatly encouraged me and if anything, stregthened what I was already feeling about Japan.  Talking with on of my fellow Americans about his heart for missions and experiences made me seriously think about my life and what exactly it was that I was praying about.

My heart for Japan has developed, not from a desire to see it's history and experience it's culture.  It's come from meeting it's people, my heart breaking and seeing how much workers are needed for that harvest.  In Matthew 9:37 and 38, Jesus said to his disciples, “The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest.”  Part of this, though, is to understand that we are all workers in whatever harvest he sends us to.  My prayer for many years would be that God would simply have his way with me, to use me as he sees fit.  Would God send me to the harvest in Japan?  More specifically, would he send me to Hamamatsu?

While in Japan, I began to pray about relocating to Hamamatsu, one morning I read Psalm 20 and verses 4 and 5 lept off the page (or rather, off my cell phone screen):  "May he grant you your heart's desire and fulfill all your plans! May we shout for joy over your salvation,    and in the name of our God set up our banners!May the Lord fulfill all your petitions!" Perhaps it's time just to take the plunge?

Are you still praying for Japan?

It's funny what God does sometimes.

Last week, I was challenged by a very close friend of mine, one Andrea Skerry, to love others more than I love myself.  At first, I was a bit shocked.  "I'm good at that already," I thought.  But then the reality of it hit me and I saw that, not only was I not very good at loving others, I sucked horribly at it.  Since then, I've made it a point to be more outward focused, to have a greater, stronger love for others, to put their needs before my own, to truly love as unconditionally as I, a fallen human being can love and something amazing happened.  For the first time... ever, I felt loved myself.  I felt like I fit.  That's such a rarity for me.  I felt like I was not only doing what I was designed to do, but I was living life as God wanted it.  I truly was where I belonged.

Today, I accidentally pulled up google earth on my phone.  The last time I played with it, I was looking at Ishinomaki, Japan, at the places where we went.  So, the earth spun to Japan and landed on the coastline along the small seaport city.  But the pictures had all been updated since the last time I saw that view.  Now, instead of full neighborhoods, there were large patches of dirt and debris with the occasional standing house.  I even found the shrine outlook that we visited on our last day there and could connect what I saw then with what I was looking at now.  My heart broke into a million pieces.

I spent the better half of the next hour looking at the Tohoku area on Google Maps and my heart just broke more and more.  Not long after that, I received an email about a potential year long trip and something stirred inside me.  "I have to go back," I kept thinking to myself.  My brain the suddenly switched to what I can only guess was the Holy Spirit speaking of the city of Ninaveh in Jonah 4, only with the nation of Japan in it's place, "And should I not have concern for the great [nation] of [Japan], in which there are more than a hundred and twenty [million] people who cannot tell their right hand from their left...?”  

I can't say that the desire to go back to Japan ever really left me, but I did dismiss it for a while.  Now, seeing this, timed with the possibility of a return next summer has stirred me once again.  As I'm learning what it is to "remove myself from the equation" and love others greater than myself, as I'm learning to give of myself for the sake of another, to lay down my life, my rights, my freedoms and my desires to benefit someone else and experience God's love and satisfaction and true life in the process, I can't help but wonder just how much God is preparing me for use in something like this.  Now, I have no idea what he's really doing, I could very well let my emotions simmer down and tomorrow be all in here in FoCo, but somehow, I doubt it.  My boldness with the truth is increasing and more and more, I want to make Jesus famous and myself secondary.

Are you still praying for the people of Japan who are still recovering from the devestating tsunami that hit more than six months ago?  Are they still on your minds at all?  Do you pray for their salvation and their recovery?  I haven't been nearly as much as I used to and that changes today.

I will keep praying about this.  I would challenge you, reader, to pray about going on a church plant yourself.  Ask God to give you a heart for the Great Commission.  Will you make him famous?  And if you have that heart, are you making him famous here, in FoCo?

This song has been flowing through my head all day:

Failure doesn't phase you.
Worry doesn't win.
Lost doesn't leave you afraid to start again.
Our sin doesn't shock you.
Our shame doesn't shame you at all.
Mistakes do not move you.
Terror doesn't tame.
Death doesn't doom you to life in the grave.
Our suffering doesn't scare you.
Our secrets won't surprise you at all.
At all.

There is nothing above you.
There is nothing beyond you.
There is nothing that you can't do.
There is no one beside you.
There is no one that's like you.
There is nothing that you can't do.
Whatever will come, we'll rise above.
You fail us not, You fail us not.
No matter the war, our hope is secure.
You fail us not, You fail us not.
You fail us not.

Hatred doesn't hide you.
Evil doesn't ail.
Despair can't disguise you and tell you that you fail.
Our doubt doesn't daunt you.
Our darkness won't defeat you at all.
At all.

There is nothing above you.
There is nothing beyond you.
There is nothing that you can't do.
Whatever will come, we'll rise above.
You fail us not, You fail us not.
No matter the war, our hope is secure.
You fail us not, You fail us not.
Whatever will come, we'll rise above.
You fail us not, You fail us not.
No, You fail us not.
You fail us not.

-Fail Us Not - 1000 Generations

How long, O Lord?

How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I take counsel in my soul

and have sorrow in my heart all the day?

How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;

light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,

lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed over him,"

lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love;

my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

I will sing to the LORD,

because he has dealt bountifully with me.

Psalm 13

This Psalm pretty much sums up how I feel at the moment. I have a ton of questions floating around in my head; questions like, "What is the purpose of my being in Fort Collins?", "Why do I never feel like I fit in?" and "Why is my heart so broken in the area of friendship?" But the biggest question I find myself asking is, "How Long do I have to face this disappointment?" I have been waiting for something for a long time now, 2 years in fact. 2 years and over the last few months, I've come to realize that the goal I was aiming for was not the goal that God intended for me. It's amazing how obvious that became and how crushing it can be, but at the same time, how kind, wonderful and comforting God is in the midst of it.

Disappointment is never fun, but one thing is certain. Romans 8:28 will always apply, that God works all things for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. I've watched God do great things in my life before. I will see him do great things again. I will leave a passage that a friend recently shared with me that has spoken so deeply to my soul:

When you did awesome things that we did not look for,

you came down, the mountains quaked at your presence.
From of old no one has heard
or perceived by the ear,
no eye has seen a God besides you,
who acts for those who wait for him.

Isaiah 64:3-4

Lies. We all have them. They creep in, as unwelcome as they are and become a part of our world view. They are pernicious, counter productive and ultimately destructive. So why do we cling on to them so strongly when the truth would be so much better?

I find that I cling to my lies because I can find so much "evidence" to support them. This evidence, though, is really just my own perception being seen through the lens of my emotion at the time, yet at the time, it seems so convincing. I find that when people actually present real evidence, I reject it because it doesn't feel as realistic as what I am currently perceiving. My greatest fear in letting go of the lie is that I will lack any evidence to support the alternative and I will have to blindly believe it, so there is a danger of being duped.

Yet isn't that exactly how our enemies work? They get a foothold into our lives and begin to speak ever so softly about something that is painful for us, just slightly off from the actual truth. It's so close, it sounds true, so we listen. The next thing we know, we're convinced of something false.

I've spoken much of my lie here. I feel as though every time I gain some ground in this area, it's not fully exposed, but a layer covering it has been removed. Yet if I really get down to the root of the matter and dig it out, I find that I really don't want to let go because I'm scared. I'm terrified of having to blindly believe things about myself. Yet I feel as thought the last 24 hours have not only exposed the lie's roots (I do pray that this is it), but they have also given me mounds upon mounds of evidence to support the alternative.

So to everyone who has taken the time to share truth with me, I appreciate it more than you can imagine. God has spoken much to me about identity and completely shifted how I even define my self worth. I will explain:

I have always taken a view of myself that I am worthless with out Jesus. Yet, this isn't true. John 3:16 says that God loves the entire world and would have that none perish. So God loves everyone, not just those that have received his grace. Ephesians 1 talks much about God chosing us before the creation of the world, and predestining us to stand blameless and receiving his grace. If God loves all, then he values all and he values all, then all have the same intrinsic worth, which he deemed worth sacrificing for. In order for God to love, he had to have seen value in loving us and seen us worth loving. Granted, this is all part of God's plan. He created us for us to know him and to be loved by him. He doesn't need us, but rather, he desires us, and THAT is what makes us worth something.

The fact that God chose me, loves me, gives me grace, died for me and will call me into eternal life with him isn't what gives me worth, rather it confirms that God values me. He always did, does now, and always will desire me. And why? As stated in Ephesians 1, it is according to the pleasure of his will. Pleasure. God finds pleasure in all of this. My worth is found in his pleasure and his desire for me.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not at the center of God's universe. He is. And all of this is to his glory. I don't deserve to be chosen or shown grace or loved or anything else, but he does it anyway. His mercy is glorious, but he receives glory by the fact that his desires and his will are what is carried out. So my worth really stems from God's glory. Now that's pretty cool, I think.

So what does all of this mean when it comes to digging out the lie? Well, the lie would be that I'm essentially worthless. The truth is that God has always seen me as priceless. The evidence for the lie is in my perception of being used and taken advantage of, of being small and insignificant, in being invisible. Yet I have been floored to see, just in the last 24 hours how untrue that is. I'm simply blown away. And honestly, the kind words, truth and pie that showed up hasn't done anything for my sense of self worth except to make me realize that if all of you love me this much, how much more does God desire and love me? It really has just pointed me back to Jesus.

Anyway, I'm very blessed to have friends like all of you. I'm pretty amazed, actually. God has opened my eyes to something, and I'm pretty excited to see what he does with it. Please, always point me to Jesus.

And on that note, it's time for bed.

One Thing Remains...

Higher than the mountains that i face
Stronger than the power of the grave
constant in the trial and the change

One thing remains

Your love never fails
It never gives up
It never runs out on me

Because on and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelmes and satisfies my soul
And i'll never, ever, have to be afraid

One thing remains

In death
In life
I'm confident and covered by the Power of Your great love

My dept is paid
Theres nothing that can separate
My heart from Your great love

Every once in a while a song comes along that really grips you. It effects you and doesn't leave you at all. This song is one of those. I have had this song in my head since for four days now and it's not getting old. It is so good to be reminded of the fact that God's love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me.

How often do I forget this? How often do I expect God's love to be just like the fickle human emotion that I see day to day. Yet Love is a choice and God IS love. He is infinate and perfect in that love and it isn't fickle. He isn't man that he should change his mind. He loves so much that he made a way for our sin to be forgiven, that we can know him. He is so faithful to redeem that he came to earth as man and was executed as an innocent, sacrificed on our behalf to bring ultimate justice for our sins upon himself. His great love draws us to him even now. How much I don't deserve it, yet how much he lavishes it on us!

Thank you, Father God for your great love. Thank you Jesus for your obedience, even to death on a cross. Thank you Holy Spirit for leading me to you and continually sanctifying me. Thank you God for your grace.

the last three days...

I decided earlier this week that I wanted to take three days off from all my events and just focus on my relationship with Christ. It was hard, but it was so good. As much as I would like to tell you what God told me, I must first go back a little ways and give you some background.

For a long while now, I've been battling with my flesh for a sense of worth and a strong identity. I had come to a place where I was no longer really turning to God for these things and in the wake of certain men, I felt worthless. The comparison game has continued for some time and I could never understand why I was so much less valued than they. I say this because what I was seeing was that they were consistently reached out to by others, drew a crowd and received a lot of attention. I felt like I was only ever given attention when someone needed something.

While on a recent trip, my heart grew so embittered that I kept trying to find a way to leave and avoid the situation altogether. Being four hours away from home, I couldn't and came to the conclusion that it wasn't my relationships that were broken, but that my relationship with Christ was and that was breaking my relationships with people. I had come to rely so much on my own strengths and talents, of which I really don't have many, that when around men who were extremely talented and, let's face it, good looking, I felt invisible and like far less of a man.

So I decided that since people had become something of an idol, I would take three days off from them and focus on Christ. The results were powerful.

First of all, God showed me that the identity I had taken on was that of a "need meeter". I was the guy who would be what you needed him to be in order to help you the most. In other words, I was a people pleaser. He then showed me through the word, bringing to mind experiences where I wasn't trying to please and other such things that my true identity wasn't that of a meeter of needs, but more akin to a dragon slayer. Cheesy, I know, but let's face it, what man doesn't connect with the imagery of Aragorn hacking down orcs and trolls? He showed me that, not only has he made me a warrior, but that he's instilled in me the skills and bravery to be one. He also showed me that I'm meant to be a man of valor and that I am, in fact, a hero and not just the lame guy who tries to make people happy.

He also showed me that he is the source of that strength, valor and heroicism. He provides for it and I need only to be obedient to his call. He will not let me fall and by his strength, I can scale a wall and take on thousands of enemies. He truly is the hero and metaphorically speaking, he is David, and I am one of his 33 valiant men.

For whatever reason, I began reading some of the minor prophets and I saw something that pegged me like a laser beam. Israel served other "gods" or idols. God destroyed them and sent them into Babalonian captivity for years and at the end, restored them. He warned them for a long time before that they would be taken captive, but also that he would restore them and replant them. I saw paralells in my life. I had turned to the idol of myself and people's opinions of me. He had caused them to fail and was destroying me in the process in order that he may restore me back to himself.

This morning, I read the beginning of Nehemiah, which seemed apt considering that was shortly after the end of their captivity. I love how often it mentions that he prayed and asked God for favor before the king and then was granted an opportunity to speak. He took a big risk asking to be able to return to rebuild Jerusalem, but God had a plan in it. It was the burden of his heart and God was the one that placed it there. In that, he acted valiently and very manly, though he would have been a eunich as the king's cupbearer. He's more man then most guys I know.

So the end result? God restored my identity in him, but more than that, he bolstered my masculinity. He showed me he was shattering idols and that he was rebuilding me into a more Christ like man. He then showed me that in order to really see the process completed, I have to act like a man. What does that mean? Well, much as I'd love to tell you, I'm not entirely sure myself, so I shall leave it to your speculation... :)