Where's your head at?

Or rather, where's my head at? I've been having a difficult time lately really understanding what God is doing in my life, where I'm being lead. Increasingly, I feel like it's outside of the US. I don't know that there's a specific place, but over the last several months, I've been really asking that question, and increasingly so the more time that goes on.

I've started reading biographies of missionaries. I've read Hudson Taylor, Brother Andrew and Nate Saint, now I'm on to David Brainard. I am inspired by these men and their steadfast heart for the service of the Kingdom. I am inspired by their willing self sacrifice to take the gospel to a people who have never had it.

My relationship with Christ has been vastly improving. It's been growing like crazy and I can't, for one second say that I am upset about recent events or anything else, as they are all resulting with a greater view of God in my life. I'm experiencing the joy and passion and peace of Christ. My heart is breaking for those who don't know Christ. My zeal for his gospel is growing and I'm excited to see what he does with it. I've been too quiet for too long. Anymore, it's like a fire in my bones, and I grow weary of keeping it in (much like Jeremiah).

So if God is truly leading me elsewhere, then where? There are two places that have been on my heart for years: Amsterdam and Nepal. I've longed to go to Amsterdam since we planted the church there 8 years ago, but I knew that my heart wasn't in the right place to go on a church plant. I only wanted the adventure. Now I want to see his kingdom grow. Yet I don't have the most peace about being a part of that church. Nepal, I've wanted to go there since we first formed ties with Utam and Kishor, but I've never been able to. Admittedly it was more about the adventure then as well. But my heart is different now. Is there a place for me there, even in the short term? I don't know. Perhaps its somewhere completely different. I just don't know.

What I do know is that Christ said to go, and regardless of where I'm at physically, I'm going to go. I will answer his call to the great commission and I will go to all nations, making disciples. I will not give up here, though admittedly, my heart is finding it more and more difficult to connect. It's as though my heart is already wherever it is that I will wind up and the rest of me has only to catch up. But I will still pour out everything here for God to use in whatever way he wants, including the sharing of his gospel and the discipleship of men.

Who will God send? Here am I, Lord. Send me.