Mr. Colbert is dead on...

Yeah, the title isn't my personal feeling, but the title of a piece that, though intended to be a satirical look at political speak during Christmas, it turned out to be one of the most pointed truths I've heard concerning this nation, but as I took it as well, the church.

Clip can be found here: http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/368914/december-16-2010/jesus-is-a-liberal-democrat

Now I understand that Steven Colbert's biblical arguments are slightly out of context, but he still hits the nail on the head. We are called to help the poor and down trodden. Yes, some are out there on the streets by choice. I understand that. However I have not seen a verse that says that I should make distinctions and help only those that I deem deserving.

So what to do? This isn't even something that should only happen at Christmas time, but this is something that we need to take to heart! Especially for those of us who just went through "The Hole in Our Gospel" in Symbio! We need to remember the poor, which is exactly what the elders told Paul to do, the very thing that he was eager to do (Gal 2:10)

The church in America has largely failed at this. Why? To quote Mr. Colbert, "If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, then we either need pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowlege that he commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it."

I'm done with this attitude. I'm done with slactivism. I'm done trying to simply feel ok. It's time to get to work. I have some ideas. I want to implement them. Feel free to join me. How are you going to respond?

Where's your head at?

Or rather, where's my head at? I've been having a difficult time lately really understanding what God is doing in my life, where I'm being lead. Increasingly, I feel like it's outside of the US. I don't know that there's a specific place, but over the last several months, I've been really asking that question, and increasingly so the more time that goes on.

I've started reading biographies of missionaries. I've read Hudson Taylor, Brother Andrew and Nate Saint, now I'm on to David Brainard. I am inspired by these men and their steadfast heart for the service of the Kingdom. I am inspired by their willing self sacrifice to take the gospel to a people who have never had it.

My relationship with Christ has been vastly improving. It's been growing like crazy and I can't, for one second say that I am upset about recent events or anything else, as they are all resulting with a greater view of God in my life. I'm experiencing the joy and passion and peace of Christ. My heart is breaking for those who don't know Christ. My zeal for his gospel is growing and I'm excited to see what he does with it. I've been too quiet for too long. Anymore, it's like a fire in my bones, and I grow weary of keeping it in (much like Jeremiah).

So if God is truly leading me elsewhere, then where? There are two places that have been on my heart for years: Amsterdam and Nepal. I've longed to go to Amsterdam since we planted the church there 8 years ago, but I knew that my heart wasn't in the right place to go on a church plant. I only wanted the adventure. Now I want to see his kingdom grow. Yet I don't have the most peace about being a part of that church. Nepal, I've wanted to go there since we first formed ties with Utam and Kishor, but I've never been able to. Admittedly it was more about the adventure then as well. But my heart is different now. Is there a place for me there, even in the short term? I don't know. Perhaps its somewhere completely different. I just don't know.

What I do know is that Christ said to go, and regardless of where I'm at physically, I'm going to go. I will answer his call to the great commission and I will go to all nations, making disciples. I will not give up here, though admittedly, my heart is finding it more and more difficult to connect. It's as though my heart is already wherever it is that I will wind up and the rest of me has only to catch up. But I will still pour out everything here for God to use in whatever way he wants, including the sharing of his gospel and the discipleship of men.

Who will God send? Here am I, Lord. Send me.

I was listening to Leonard Ravenhill at work today and I was struck by something: We don't pray enough.

For those who don't know, Leonard Ravenhill was a pentecostal preacher and evangelist, beginning before WWII and continued in the US until the 80's. In every message I have heard by him, he continually challenges the modern church to strive to be more along the biblical model in Acts. His stories of the early years of his ministry in Great Britain are inspiring.

He spoke of prayer and how they would spend hours in late night prayer meetings. He talked about how they would pray continuously, together. He talked about how they would look forward to and relish the time they spent praying to the wee hours of the morning. Why do we not do this? Why do we not have more people sacrificing an extra hour of sleep to go to the 6:30 prayer meeting? Why do we not get excited about coming together and praying for even an hour? Can you even fathom praying for two? Three?

How can we expect God to do great things through us if we aren't willing to sacrifice the time and energy to seek him for what he wants? We already know he wants people to know him. How can we expect to be at all effective if we ourselves don't have anything beyond and intellectual knowledge of God? Do you know him personally? Do you pray?

We in the evangelical world have a tendency to hear words like "revival" and blow it off as this crazy idea that those charismatics talk about. God doesn't move like that anymore. Yet I hear us pray small prayers about the spirit sweeping the city. Why not pray big prayers and pray them like we really believe it? We need to be praying more! The early church DEVOTED themselves to prayer as well as fellowship, teaching and the breaking of bread. How can I expect God to move in my life and through it if I'm just giving him a few minutes in the morning. As one man once said (I believe it was Luther), "I have so much to do today that I must first spend four hours in prayer in order to get it all done." Four hours? That's a lot of prayer. Yet the one that we follow, that was nothing.

Here is what I propose: Every other Saturday, we open up a home to pray. I'll suggest mine. We get together at seven and we pray as long as the Spirit moves us. Maybe it's an hour. Maybe it's for three. Maybe the only reason we stop is so that we can go to church the next morning. I don't know how it will go, but I think we need to focus on prayer and then go DO it. This is especially true for those of us in Symbio. We lack zeal. How else can we expect to gain it?

Yeah, I'm fired up.

What is your sentence?

Tuesday night, Mitch shared with us the idea that each of us has a "sentence", a thought, an idea that is spoken to us by the enemy to tempt us away from trusting in the Lord. He talked about how the Israelites, who had seen God perform miracle after miracle, who walked across the Red Sea on dry land, who saw the pillar of fire and pillar of smoke, whose shoes and garments never wore out, who ate manna from heaven, they saw all of these things and still said to Moses, "you and God brought us out here to die. Let's appoint someone to lead us back to Egypt." Where God was in the middle of giving them their salvation story, the act of God that they would refer back to for centuries, they wanted to go back to the land where they were slaves. They said that same line over and over and over again.

So I've been thinking a lot about this. I already knew what my sentence was before I heard the message, but tonight I've been analyzing just how deep the lie goes. The lie is simple enough: "You are not loved. You are not seen as fun by others. You are boring. If you were more like [that fun and exciting guy], you would be loved." So how does this affect me?

1. My friendships. Well, it makes me feel like I have none. If I'm not loved, then I couldn't call anyone my friend, right? So I continue trying to love others, but it becomes nearly impossible after a while when you feel like everything is entirely one-sided. So I put on the happy face, persevere and though I'm laughing on the surface, internally I'm examining everything and finding every place I fall short. I'm finding every thing wrong with me that is a road block to others loving me and I'm focusing on every time that I've seen them pursue friendship with someone else and wondering why they never invite me to grab dinner with them, or a beer, or why if they have they always do it on a night that they know I have a prior commitment? My heart is breaking the entire time and I leave depressed and in tears, wondering what exactly I can do to earn their love. The answer I always come back with is, "Be someone else." I leave in tears every time.

2. My relationship with God. If my answer to the above issue is "Be someone else," then I am infact, spitting in God's face by telling him that I'm not good enough how he made me. I'm telling him that he messed up when he made me. I'm telling him that he shorted me and because of that, I can't trust him. I may not voice this, but the attitude is still there. I also fall into the trap that if I feel so unloved by people then the only reason why God must love me is because he obligated himself to. He promised he would and therefore, even if he doesn't want to, he must. I wind up not feeling wanted by God.

3. Romance. I will see myself as wholly unattractive and am afraid that if I don't become [insert amazingly fun guy's name here], then I'll never win anyone's heart and I'll be rejected always. In the end, I may have an amazing relationship with a girl and really like her a ton, but I will slam on the breaks and run away because I'm afraid that I'm burdening and annoying her by even approaching her. In the end, I destroy the friendship I have, along with any chance for a romantic relationship because I'm so afraid of rejection that I avoid it altogether and wind up inadvertently rejecting her. In my mind this is ok because I'm convinced that she never wanted me around anyway and she's happier that I'm avoiding her.

4. My own life. It keeps me awake at night. I lay in bed and can't sleep because I'm convinced that I'm utterly alone. I wonder why people don't call me, why they don't want me around. I wonder why others are being pursued and I am not. I wind up depressed, sobbing and wondering why I'm even still where I'm at. Surely the grass is greener in another city/country/continent. Surely there I'll find friends and be loved, right? Why even bother, no one will love me there either.

I really started to see this lie for what it was about six months ago. It's a lion, crouching right in front of me, ready to pounce and devour me. It's patiently waiting for me to drop my guard for even an instant, and when I do, it attacks. I've let this lie over power me for so much of my life that I find now that I have only one defense. Thankfulness.

All throughout the new testament, Paul and others speak about having a heart of thanksgiving. four times in Colossians 3, for example, does Paul say that we should do things "with thanksgiving." We are to be abounding with thanksgiving, praying for requests with thanksgiving, be thankful in all circumstances, and it goes on and on. Getting up in the morning and going for at least a 30 minute prayer walk before work Got the Lion off of me, but still, it waits. I can feel it ease in closer, and when I feel that, I stop what I'm doing and praise God.

We cannot be thankful to God and still focus on our circumstances. I cannot be thankful without experiencing joy. I cannot be thankful without recognizing his goodness, mercy, grace, love, might, majesty, strength and glory. I cannot be thankful to God without aiming my gaze directly at him. Thanksgiving is the key to being able to live a life worthy of the calling we have received, and it is VITAL to the gospel. We get what we don't deserve and we don't get what we do. We get God and heaven and eternal peace. We don't get Hell. Who wouldn't be thankful for that?

But this lion is still crouching, waiting to pounce. Perhaps recognizing the lie for what it is is the first step towards really seeing victory. I've more victory over this lie in the last six months than I have in my entire life, and that was when I started reorienting myself to thank God more in my prayer life than to request of him. My prayers of desperation ceased and instead the same prayers were prayed with expectant joy and thanksgiving, rejoicing. Then, for whatever reason, I stopped and sure enough, the lion pounced and now, three weeks later, I am coming out of the funk and getting the lion back off of me, beaten, bloodied, but hopeful.

So why am I posting this? I suppose you could call it some weird form of closure. To confess the lie for what it is and examine how deep it goes helps me to see where God is also at work. I still struggle with feeling like I bore people, but I also recognize how God uses me to impact people around me. I can see that he is at work despite my short comings, and in some cases, he uses them to display his strength. I can see how good he is, how amazing he is and for the first time in my life, I've been able to experience the satisfaction of really knowing him. Satisfaction that can never be matched by any human interaction, period. I am really starting to see how people love me. I'm starting to see that there is no need for me to prove that I'm just as funny/cool/exciting/adventurous as that guy. I'm starting to see that all of my "evidences" to support the lie may exist, but I'm misinterpreting the data. At times those evidences in fact prove the lie wrong altogether.

So why am I posting this? My hope is that in the same way that exposing this lie for what it is has helped me, I pray that my life can encourage you and point you to real hope.

Why am I posting this? Perhaps it will better help you to understand why I did/said some of the things that I have. Perhaps I pushed you away. Perhaps you're confused as to why I seemed so upset. Perhaps you want something to pray for in my life. My hope is that this may give you further insight into the enigma that is Lee Vary. Perhaps it will help you better understand youself. I don't know. Perhaps now I'm just reaching for straws...

What are not reasons why I'm posting this? I'm not looking for affirmation. I'm not looking for attention. I'm not looking for you to tell me what I want to hear. I am not looking for you to bolster me in this struggle. If you want to help at all, pray and point me to the truth. Always.

So what is your sentence?

a hole in our gospel...

James 2:14-17 - What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

I have been struck lately by the absolute need in this world for compassion. As we have been going through a series known as "The Hole in Our Gospel", I am struck by just how good I have it, how terribly others do, and how Jesus had such compassion on the poor, sick and needy. Do I? Why not?

James talks about faith being demonstrated by our actions and the example that he provides is that we should not wish that someone be warm and well fed and do nothing! We are to be men and women whose faith in God is demonstrated by how we love those in this world! Over and over again the Bible is filled with verses about feeding the hungry and clothing the naked. Jesus even said that when we give a cup of water to the least of these, we give it to him. I am greatly convicted by how little I do. Even to do three challenges that would take no more than fifteen minutes apiece, I didn't do one in the month since they were issued.

I do not wish to quench the conviction that I experience, rather I want to be driven to serve those in need out of love for them and a desire to see God honored. So I started brain storming tonight. How can I love the city and spur those on around me to love and good deeds? Here's some of what I've come up with:

1. Snow removal. After the first heavy snowfall, walk the neighborhoods in pairs, snowshovels in hand asking if we can shovel the driveways and sidewalks of those houses.

2. Blanket/coat drive. We could do this so many ways! I like the idea of going door to door, but what if we had a charity poker tourney where the buy in was a new or used blanket? Rebuys would be cash and so all blankets and cash would be donated to Catholic Charities Northern or something.

3. We have connections at nursing homes, what if we went to visit? Or simply volunteer time at the senior center?

4. How about one sunday morning we get up really early and cleaned up all the trash on the streets in Old Town after all the drunk college students partied all night?

5. More for the summer, but we do a fund raising water bucket walk. People donate $10 a piece and bring a bucket. We meet in old town square, walk to city park lake, fill a bucket and then walk back. All proceeds are donated to World Vision's clean water fund. Make this a community event.

6. Free Spanish classes? It would be a great way to meet people!

7. We all know single moms. What if we pooled our resources and got them a gift card to a spa and offered to watch the kids?

8. Adopt an exchange student program. I can't remember what it's really called, but I've been thinking about this so much lately! I saw such a great relationship formed between my friends and their students, and I long to make people feel welcome and loved!

9. What if we went down to old town with a bunch of hot sandwiches one night and handed them out with blankets to homeless people? What if we did this weekly?

10. What can you come up with?

3 things I pray...

There are three areas that I've begun to pray for in my life, and I feel the need to publicly share them so that I can have some form of accountability.

1) I've lost the view of my job that I had when I first started and I want to get it back. When I first started working at Tolmar, I thought of it as a gift from God, which caused me to strive for excellence in whatever I did there. Now, it's my paycheck. My coworkers were people I could serve and encourage and be a light to. Now, they are my buddies and I say a lot of stupid things. Tonight I had a conversation with one of my friends that went something like this: Me: "I have this tendency to say rather inappropriate things to my coworkers." Friend: "That's something you're trying to work on, right?" Me: "Well, yeah. Kinda." I don't think she meant to come swinging the conviction hammer but God used her to hit me with it. I've known this was something in my life, but to what degree, I don't think God really showed me until tonight.

The fact is that I've come to feel more loved and appreciated by my coworkers than I do by most other people in my life. I find myself striving to fit in there and am no longer acting as a genuine lover of Christ. I get frustrated and vent, I make inappropriate jokes, tell stories and what not, all just to be more accepted into the crowd. I miss the days when I would go sit in my car and read my Bible and journal verses. I miss the days when I would have spiritual conversations with people. I miss the days when I was genuinely thankful to God for what he had given me. Luke 6:45 - The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.

2) I really haven't been too excited about a lot of things lately. I'm pretty burnt. I get up early, usually on only 4 or so hours of sleep. I'm so tired that I just crash when I get home and then I'm scrambling to get to the gym, get dinner and get to whatever meeting I happen to have that night. It's all pretty lame, really. I'm so overwhelmed much of the time by my tiredness that all I want is a few hours of downtime. Instead, I feel like my time gets demanded before I can even properly budget it.

I've been so reactionary in how I spend my time; it's time to be proactive. I need to get this under control. More than that, I need to be willing to sacrifice for the sake of others and build into other relationships. It's just time to man up and stop whining about things. I've heard it said that there is no such thing as burn out, just a loss of focus on Christ. Though I disagree in the full impact of that statement, I think that burn out definitely begins with a loss of focus on Christ. My eyes have been on the world and all my problems. Time to look to Christ for my strength, my excitement and my joy. Proverbs 11:25 - A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.

3) I need to start taking risks. I've played it safe for so long that now I'm living... well... bored. The normal Christian life is full of risks. We share our faith, we love those who would take advantage of us, we give sacrificially, and we trust an invisible God to work in all of these things, not for our desires, but for his glory. We trust that even in pain, discomfort and suffering we gain Christ who brings us comfort joy and his own friendship. God has recently shown my though another friend that I'm incredibly guarded and I throw up walls.


What's been hard is how often I will stop dead in my tracks when it comes to relationships with people because I get scared. Perhaps I'm afraid of rebuke. Perhaps I'm afraid that someone doesn't care. Perhaps I'm afraid that someone doesn't feel the same way about me. When that happens, I run. I'm a runner. I run away from those uncomfortable relationships and I throw up my guards. I can think of many times when this has resulted in a lot awkwardness and I've had to go back and ask forgiveness. Though many of those friendships have been saved, many have not, and there are many bridges that I've burned because I was too afraid to risk being hurt or embarrassed. Well, I'm tired of being guarded and I'm tired of running. I'm stepping forward now.

If I'm sitting on my couch just waiting for something to happen (which metaphorically speaking has been the case), then I'm not living in faith. I want to dream so big that I utterly fail if God doesn't come through. More than that, I want to move beyond simply dreaming and act. I want to walk in faith and not by sight. I want to take risks and watch the hand of God work, whether it be how I expect or not, it doesn't matter. I simply want to see more of God. James 2:18 - But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds." Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.

These three areas really speak to one central thing in my life that I feel that God is working miraculously in. He's showing me who I am in him. I like that. Let's keep going with that, God.

New Years Revolutions

That's right, I said "revolutions", not "resolutions". Why? Because I believe that now, especially since I'm seeing my life in a somewhat clearer light, is a great time to initiate some significant life change. In otherwords, I want to revolutionize my life and the lives of those around me. So, here goes:

1. Be in the word daily. I struggle with this, and it's time just to put my foot down and do it. Daily.

2. Pray daily. See above.

3. Workout daily. Already have a good start to this one, going to the gym 3-4 times a week. Let's just bump it up to 5-6, shall we? Start integrating some weight training in with my cardio routine. My ultimate goal: 8-10 pounds a month, be down to 210 by July.

4. Be more encouraging. I tend to be biting and sarcastic at times. Why not turn that around to build people up instead of tear them down? We are, after all, called to encouraged one another daily, as long as it is called today.

5. Rejoice always instead of moaning and complaining as much as I do. In fact, I want to model my old pastor's way of life, whenever anyone would ask him how he was he would respond "rejoicing! Because the bible says to rejoice always." He truly was to, this wasn't just words.

6. Work harder, as unto the Lord and not as unto my paycheck.

I guess that's a good start, huh? Now to go off and complete numbers 1&2 for today...