the last three days...

I decided earlier this week that I wanted to take three days off from all my events and just focus on my relationship with Christ. It was hard, but it was so good. As much as I would like to tell you what God told me, I must first go back a little ways and give you some background.

For a long while now, I've been battling with my flesh for a sense of worth and a strong identity. I had come to a place where I was no longer really turning to God for these things and in the wake of certain men, I felt worthless. The comparison game has continued for some time and I could never understand why I was so much less valued than they. I say this because what I was seeing was that they were consistently reached out to by others, drew a crowd and received a lot of attention. I felt like I was only ever given attention when someone needed something.

While on a recent trip, my heart grew so embittered that I kept trying to find a way to leave and avoid the situation altogether. Being four hours away from home, I couldn't and came to the conclusion that it wasn't my relationships that were broken, but that my relationship with Christ was and that was breaking my relationships with people. I had come to rely so much on my own strengths and talents, of which I really don't have many, that when around men who were extremely talented and, let's face it, good looking, I felt invisible and like far less of a man.

So I decided that since people had become something of an idol, I would take three days off from them and focus on Christ. The results were powerful.

First of all, God showed me that the identity I had taken on was that of a "need meeter". I was the guy who would be what you needed him to be in order to help you the most. In other words, I was a people pleaser. He then showed me through the word, bringing to mind experiences where I wasn't trying to please and other such things that my true identity wasn't that of a meeter of needs, but more akin to a dragon slayer. Cheesy, I know, but let's face it, what man doesn't connect with the imagery of Aragorn hacking down orcs and trolls? He showed me that, not only has he made me a warrior, but that he's instilled in me the skills and bravery to be one. He also showed me that I'm meant to be a man of valor and that I am, in fact, a hero and not just the lame guy who tries to make people happy.

He also showed me that he is the source of that strength, valor and heroicism. He provides for it and I need only to be obedient to his call. He will not let me fall and by his strength, I can scale a wall and take on thousands of enemies. He truly is the hero and metaphorically speaking, he is David, and I am one of his 33 valiant men.

For whatever reason, I began reading some of the minor prophets and I saw something that pegged me like a laser beam. Israel served other "gods" or idols. God destroyed them and sent them into Babalonian captivity for years and at the end, restored them. He warned them for a long time before that they would be taken captive, but also that he would restore them and replant them. I saw paralells in my life. I had turned to the idol of myself and people's opinions of me. He had caused them to fail and was destroying me in the process in order that he may restore me back to himself.

This morning, I read the beginning of Nehemiah, which seemed apt considering that was shortly after the end of their captivity. I love how often it mentions that he prayed and asked God for favor before the king and then was granted an opportunity to speak. He took a big risk asking to be able to return to rebuild Jerusalem, but God had a plan in it. It was the burden of his heart and God was the one that placed it there. In that, he acted valiently and very manly, though he would have been a eunich as the king's cupbearer. He's more man then most guys I know.

So the end result? God restored my identity in him, but more than that, he bolstered my masculinity. He showed me he was shattering idols and that he was rebuilding me into a more Christ like man. He then showed me that in order to really see the process completed, I have to act like a man. What does that mean? Well, much as I'd love to tell you, I'm not entirely sure myself, so I shall leave it to your speculation... :)

Today is our last full day in Japan. It is a day of rest, a day of taking in the city of Tokyo, a day to spend with Hiroto. So much has happened in the last 12 days, I can't even begin to describe all of it.

At no point have I felt like I don't fit here. Yes, there are plenty of differences, but for the most part, I've felt at home here like this is just right. I could easily move here. God has done so much here, he's really impacted some people and I can't even begin to express what has been happening in my own heart. I will try to get that all written down at some point. For now though, what I will miss:

1. The base.
2. Black Betty!
3. Nao-san, Sensei Naoki-san, Fumi-san and Hiroka-san
4. Justin, Yu, Tony, Loanna, Lindy, Derrick, John and Justin (aka Zoolander)
5. Paul Bostrom
6. Miso, rice balls, Crunky and Koala Bears and Peach Ice.
7. K's House Tokyo
8. The Sen-to
9. Yoshiaka Baptist Church
10. Most of all, though, even though I will still see them every week at church, I will miss being on a team with Orion (Oreo) Cannon, Lacy Goeden, Chelsea Norris, Natalie Hanson, Amy (Fockly) Findly, Amy Mihaly and Melissa Kraus The seven of you displayed so much faith and patience.

God has greatly blessed this trip and I am so sad to leave. To be honest, I really don't miss anything about America (except the people, of course. Don't worry, friends, I miss you all). I will be home on Monday, not sure of what time, but I do get back two hours before I leave. I love time travel. :)

Earthquakes are fun...

So far, we've been through five earthquakes. I was hoping for one, we've had five. Such an odd experience. One moment normal, then out of no where a ton of shaking for 30 seconds, then normal again. So weird.

When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on men’s wisdom, but on God’s power. 1 Cor 2:1-5

This has been my theme that God has been pounding me with this trip. I keep praying this is true of how I'm working on this trip. Please keep praying for us. We are now done with mucking out places, there simply isn't much left to be done in that sense, at least no one else is asking for help. Tomorrow, we will help with an english class, send home two members of our team and clean up the compound to prepare it for the next group. Friday, we will help with another cookout for the displaced before heading to the conference on Saturday. We still have 5 days here. It seems so weird to think that we're leaving that soon. Sort of surreal, really. Pray we make the most of it.

Grace and peace...

I feel numb. I've felt numb since I got here. Two days ago we went to the effected area and walked around the destruction. It was overwhelming. I've seen similar before, but never on this scale. What I saw in Slidell pales in comparison to what I saw in Ishinomaki. Yet my heart shuts off because of how horrible it is.

Concrete buildings ripped out; all that's left is the steel skeleton of what was once an office building. Rubble everywhere. What finally got me, though, was a coffee cup. Someone's coffee cup was sitting, half berried, full of mud. Someone brought that cup from home, most likely, drank from it every day and now it is destroyed. After that, I saw so many personal affects all over the place. That opened my eyes. This was more than just a destroyed industrial park. People died here.

Pray that God opens the eyes of our hearts to what he's doing here. We fully believe that he will use this disaster for good, as he was the one who was soveriegn over it in the first place. Pray that we can bring hope to these people beyond simply digging or giving a meal. Pray that God has his way.

Another day gone by...

I'm typing this from my phone as I managed to leave my wireless adapter at the other base. Today we go to church and that's our only plan. Day of rest.

We haven't done much so far but that will all change tomorrow. Yesterday, we helped put on a bbq for graduating kindergartners and then hung out with some kids at a youth meeting pit on by aspireing missionaries. It was fun bit surprisingly tireing. 

I keep wondering when it will hit me that I'm in a foriegn country. This place feels like home.

Day one... GO!

After 14 hours of flying, an hour on a train and some walking, we arrived at our hostel in Tokyo and I crashed for a solid 9 hours of sleep. Today, sitting in the lobby, talking with one another, sharing verses, having breakfast, it was sweet fellowship as we get ready to head out on a bullet train to the northern part of the country to Sendai. Today, we will be getting to work.

I am surprised at how little culture shock I'm experiencing. Maybe it's because I've always been so attuned to other cultures and grew up always moving, but this is the first time I've been out of the country since I was four. It's sort of sureal, sort of just... every day, to be honest.

I think it's because I'm so set on being in Sendai and ready to work. I have a vision and am set on it, so to think of us having a mission the entire way, in tokyo, at a hostel, on the train, in the market... all of it, it's not hitting me. Pray for my heart, that it really connects in to the vision for this trip in general, and not just in the tsunami effected area.

I'll keep you all posted on how things go!