What is your sentence?

Tuesday night, Mitch shared with us the idea that each of us has a "sentence", a thought, an idea that is spoken to us by the enemy to tempt us away from trusting in the Lord. He talked about how the Israelites, who had seen God perform miracle after miracle, who walked across the Red Sea on dry land, who saw the pillar of fire and pillar of smoke, whose shoes and garments never wore out, who ate manna from heaven, they saw all of these things and still said to Moses, "you and God brought us out here to die. Let's appoint someone to lead us back to Egypt." Where God was in the middle of giving them their salvation story, the act of God that they would refer back to for centuries, they wanted to go back to the land where they were slaves. They said that same line over and over and over again.

So I've been thinking a lot about this. I already knew what my sentence was before I heard the message, but tonight I've been analyzing just how deep the lie goes. The lie is simple enough: "You are not loved. You are not seen as fun by others. You are boring. If you were more like [that fun and exciting guy], you would be loved." So how does this affect me?

1. My friendships. Well, it makes me feel like I have none. If I'm not loved, then I couldn't call anyone my friend, right? So I continue trying to love others, but it becomes nearly impossible after a while when you feel like everything is entirely one-sided. So I put on the happy face, persevere and though I'm laughing on the surface, internally I'm examining everything and finding every place I fall short. I'm finding every thing wrong with me that is a road block to others loving me and I'm focusing on every time that I've seen them pursue friendship with someone else and wondering why they never invite me to grab dinner with them, or a beer, or why if they have they always do it on a night that they know I have a prior commitment? My heart is breaking the entire time and I leave depressed and in tears, wondering what exactly I can do to earn their love. The answer I always come back with is, "Be someone else." I leave in tears every time.

2. My relationship with God. If my answer to the above issue is "Be someone else," then I am infact, spitting in God's face by telling him that I'm not good enough how he made me. I'm telling him that he messed up when he made me. I'm telling him that he shorted me and because of that, I can't trust him. I may not voice this, but the attitude is still there. I also fall into the trap that if I feel so unloved by people then the only reason why God must love me is because he obligated himself to. He promised he would and therefore, even if he doesn't want to, he must. I wind up not feeling wanted by God.

3. Romance. I will see myself as wholly unattractive and am afraid that if I don't become [insert amazingly fun guy's name here], then I'll never win anyone's heart and I'll be rejected always. In the end, I may have an amazing relationship with a girl and really like her a ton, but I will slam on the breaks and run away because I'm afraid that I'm burdening and annoying her by even approaching her. In the end, I destroy the friendship I have, along with any chance for a romantic relationship because I'm so afraid of rejection that I avoid it altogether and wind up inadvertently rejecting her. In my mind this is ok because I'm convinced that she never wanted me around anyway and she's happier that I'm avoiding her.

4. My own life. It keeps me awake at night. I lay in bed and can't sleep because I'm convinced that I'm utterly alone. I wonder why people don't call me, why they don't want me around. I wonder why others are being pursued and I am not. I wind up depressed, sobbing and wondering why I'm even still where I'm at. Surely the grass is greener in another city/country/continent. Surely there I'll find friends and be loved, right? Why even bother, no one will love me there either.

I really started to see this lie for what it was about six months ago. It's a lion, crouching right in front of me, ready to pounce and devour me. It's patiently waiting for me to drop my guard for even an instant, and when I do, it attacks. I've let this lie over power me for so much of my life that I find now that I have only one defense. Thankfulness.

All throughout the new testament, Paul and others speak about having a heart of thanksgiving. four times in Colossians 3, for example, does Paul say that we should do things "with thanksgiving." We are to be abounding with thanksgiving, praying for requests with thanksgiving, be thankful in all circumstances, and it goes on and on. Getting up in the morning and going for at least a 30 minute prayer walk before work Got the Lion off of me, but still, it waits. I can feel it ease in closer, and when I feel that, I stop what I'm doing and praise God.

We cannot be thankful to God and still focus on our circumstances. I cannot be thankful without experiencing joy. I cannot be thankful without recognizing his goodness, mercy, grace, love, might, majesty, strength and glory. I cannot be thankful to God without aiming my gaze directly at him. Thanksgiving is the key to being able to live a life worthy of the calling we have received, and it is VITAL to the gospel. We get what we don't deserve and we don't get what we do. We get God and heaven and eternal peace. We don't get Hell. Who wouldn't be thankful for that?

But this lion is still crouching, waiting to pounce. Perhaps recognizing the lie for what it is is the first step towards really seeing victory. I've more victory over this lie in the last six months than I have in my entire life, and that was when I started reorienting myself to thank God more in my prayer life than to request of him. My prayers of desperation ceased and instead the same prayers were prayed with expectant joy and thanksgiving, rejoicing. Then, for whatever reason, I stopped and sure enough, the lion pounced and now, three weeks later, I am coming out of the funk and getting the lion back off of me, beaten, bloodied, but hopeful.

So why am I posting this? I suppose you could call it some weird form of closure. To confess the lie for what it is and examine how deep it goes helps me to see where God is also at work. I still struggle with feeling like I bore people, but I also recognize how God uses me to impact people around me. I can see that he is at work despite my short comings, and in some cases, he uses them to display his strength. I can see how good he is, how amazing he is and for the first time in my life, I've been able to experience the satisfaction of really knowing him. Satisfaction that can never be matched by any human interaction, period. I am really starting to see how people love me. I'm starting to see that there is no need for me to prove that I'm just as funny/cool/exciting/adventurous as that guy. I'm starting to see that all of my "evidences" to support the lie may exist, but I'm misinterpreting the data. At times those evidences in fact prove the lie wrong altogether.

So why am I posting this? My hope is that in the same way that exposing this lie for what it is has helped me, I pray that my life can encourage you and point you to real hope.

Why am I posting this? Perhaps it will better help you to understand why I did/said some of the things that I have. Perhaps I pushed you away. Perhaps you're confused as to why I seemed so upset. Perhaps you want something to pray for in my life. My hope is that this may give you further insight into the enigma that is Lee Vary. Perhaps it will help you better understand youself. I don't know. Perhaps now I'm just reaching for straws...

What are not reasons why I'm posting this? I'm not looking for affirmation. I'm not looking for attention. I'm not looking for you to tell me what I want to hear. I am not looking for you to bolster me in this struggle. If you want to help at all, pray and point me to the truth. Always.

So what is your sentence?

a hole in our gospel...

James 2:14-17 - What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

I have been struck lately by the absolute need in this world for compassion. As we have been going through a series known as "The Hole in Our Gospel", I am struck by just how good I have it, how terribly others do, and how Jesus had such compassion on the poor, sick and needy. Do I? Why not?

James talks about faith being demonstrated by our actions and the example that he provides is that we should not wish that someone be warm and well fed and do nothing! We are to be men and women whose faith in God is demonstrated by how we love those in this world! Over and over again the Bible is filled with verses about feeding the hungry and clothing the naked. Jesus even said that when we give a cup of water to the least of these, we give it to him. I am greatly convicted by how little I do. Even to do three challenges that would take no more than fifteen minutes apiece, I didn't do one in the month since they were issued.

I do not wish to quench the conviction that I experience, rather I want to be driven to serve those in need out of love for them and a desire to see God honored. So I started brain storming tonight. How can I love the city and spur those on around me to love and good deeds? Here's some of what I've come up with:

1. Snow removal. After the first heavy snowfall, walk the neighborhoods in pairs, snowshovels in hand asking if we can shovel the driveways and sidewalks of those houses.

2. Blanket/coat drive. We could do this so many ways! I like the idea of going door to door, but what if we had a charity poker tourney where the buy in was a new or used blanket? Rebuys would be cash and so all blankets and cash would be donated to Catholic Charities Northern or something.

3. We have connections at nursing homes, what if we went to visit? Or simply volunteer time at the senior center?

4. How about one sunday morning we get up really early and cleaned up all the trash on the streets in Old Town after all the drunk college students partied all night?

5. More for the summer, but we do a fund raising water bucket walk. People donate $10 a piece and bring a bucket. We meet in old town square, walk to city park lake, fill a bucket and then walk back. All proceeds are donated to World Vision's clean water fund. Make this a community event.

6. Free Spanish classes? It would be a great way to meet people!

7. We all know single moms. What if we pooled our resources and got them a gift card to a spa and offered to watch the kids?

8. Adopt an exchange student program. I can't remember what it's really called, but I've been thinking about this so much lately! I saw such a great relationship formed between my friends and their students, and I long to make people feel welcome and loved!

9. What if we went down to old town with a bunch of hot sandwiches one night and handed them out with blankets to homeless people? What if we did this weekly?

10. What can you come up with?

3 things I pray...

There are three areas that I've begun to pray for in my life, and I feel the need to publicly share them so that I can have some form of accountability.

1) I've lost the view of my job that I had when I first started and I want to get it back. When I first started working at Tolmar, I thought of it as a gift from God, which caused me to strive for excellence in whatever I did there. Now, it's my paycheck. My coworkers were people I could serve and encourage and be a light to. Now, they are my buddies and I say a lot of stupid things. Tonight I had a conversation with one of my friends that went something like this: Me: "I have this tendency to say rather inappropriate things to my coworkers." Friend: "That's something you're trying to work on, right?" Me: "Well, yeah. Kinda." I don't think she meant to come swinging the conviction hammer but God used her to hit me with it. I've known this was something in my life, but to what degree, I don't think God really showed me until tonight.

The fact is that I've come to feel more loved and appreciated by my coworkers than I do by most other people in my life. I find myself striving to fit in there and am no longer acting as a genuine lover of Christ. I get frustrated and vent, I make inappropriate jokes, tell stories and what not, all just to be more accepted into the crowd. I miss the days when I would go sit in my car and read my Bible and journal verses. I miss the days when I would have spiritual conversations with people. I miss the days when I was genuinely thankful to God for what he had given me. Luke 6:45 - The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.

2) I really haven't been too excited about a lot of things lately. I'm pretty burnt. I get up early, usually on only 4 or so hours of sleep. I'm so tired that I just crash when I get home and then I'm scrambling to get to the gym, get dinner and get to whatever meeting I happen to have that night. It's all pretty lame, really. I'm so overwhelmed much of the time by my tiredness that all I want is a few hours of downtime. Instead, I feel like my time gets demanded before I can even properly budget it.

I've been so reactionary in how I spend my time; it's time to be proactive. I need to get this under control. More than that, I need to be willing to sacrifice for the sake of others and build into other relationships. It's just time to man up and stop whining about things. I've heard it said that there is no such thing as burn out, just a loss of focus on Christ. Though I disagree in the full impact of that statement, I think that burn out definitely begins with a loss of focus on Christ. My eyes have been on the world and all my problems. Time to look to Christ for my strength, my excitement and my joy. Proverbs 11:25 - A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.

3) I need to start taking risks. I've played it safe for so long that now I'm living... well... bored. The normal Christian life is full of risks. We share our faith, we love those who would take advantage of us, we give sacrificially, and we trust an invisible God to work in all of these things, not for our desires, but for his glory. We trust that even in pain, discomfort and suffering we gain Christ who brings us comfort joy and his own friendship. God has recently shown my though another friend that I'm incredibly guarded and I throw up walls.


What's been hard is how often I will stop dead in my tracks when it comes to relationships with people because I get scared. Perhaps I'm afraid of rebuke. Perhaps I'm afraid that someone doesn't care. Perhaps I'm afraid that someone doesn't feel the same way about me. When that happens, I run. I'm a runner. I run away from those uncomfortable relationships and I throw up my guards. I can think of many times when this has resulted in a lot awkwardness and I've had to go back and ask forgiveness. Though many of those friendships have been saved, many have not, and there are many bridges that I've burned because I was too afraid to risk being hurt or embarrassed. Well, I'm tired of being guarded and I'm tired of running. I'm stepping forward now.

If I'm sitting on my couch just waiting for something to happen (which metaphorically speaking has been the case), then I'm not living in faith. I want to dream so big that I utterly fail if God doesn't come through. More than that, I want to move beyond simply dreaming and act. I want to walk in faith and not by sight. I want to take risks and watch the hand of God work, whether it be how I expect or not, it doesn't matter. I simply want to see more of God. James 2:18 - But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds." Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.

These three areas really speak to one central thing in my life that I feel that God is working miraculously in. He's showing me who I am in him. I like that. Let's keep going with that, God.

New Years Revolutions

That's right, I said "revolutions", not "resolutions". Why? Because I believe that now, especially since I'm seeing my life in a somewhat clearer light, is a great time to initiate some significant life change. In otherwords, I want to revolutionize my life and the lives of those around me. So, here goes:

1. Be in the word daily. I struggle with this, and it's time just to put my foot down and do it. Daily.

2. Pray daily. See above.

3. Workout daily. Already have a good start to this one, going to the gym 3-4 times a week. Let's just bump it up to 5-6, shall we? Start integrating some weight training in with my cardio routine. My ultimate goal: 8-10 pounds a month, be down to 210 by July.

4. Be more encouraging. I tend to be biting and sarcastic at times. Why not turn that around to build people up instead of tear them down? We are, after all, called to encouraged one another daily, as long as it is called today.

5. Rejoice always instead of moaning and complaining as much as I do. In fact, I want to model my old pastor's way of life, whenever anyone would ask him how he was he would respond "rejoicing! Because the bible says to rejoice always." He truly was to, this wasn't just words.

6. Work harder, as unto the Lord and not as unto my paycheck.

I guess that's a good start, huh? Now to go off and complete numbers 1&2 for today...

thoughts from Faithwalkers...

For those who do not know, Faithwalkers is the annual conference put on by our movement of churches that requires all main session speakers to have been active in ministry for a minimum of 25 years. The amount of wisdom that comes from the stage during these three days is astounding.

Last year, God told me to plant my flag and commit 100% to this movement, not in a cultist sense, but in a sense that this is my family, my army, my unit and I cannot change that unless God is the one who does the changing. The results of that decision were immense growth, deeper faith and a magnified view of God.

Since I got hit by a lightning bolt last year, I expected the same thing this year. I went in with several life questions expecting big, profound answers and the answers I got were not the ones I wanted. I was so unenthusiastic about these answers that I found myself looking for different ones and when I didn't find any, I started to get really confused. After dinner, I wound up getting lost in downtown Omaha for an hour and a half and walked around in sub-freezing temps and when I got back to the conference center, I felt so sick, coughing crap up, woozy, just... sick. I sat in the middle of the row and with people pressing on all sides of me, confused, sick and whatever else, I had a panic attack which I never really got over the entire night.
That evening, we had a tie down session in our hotel room, and I just broke everything down and started to see how much I let fears drive me still. But prayers were answered, at least in plans that were laid. Plans to meet with other strong men. Plans to go deeper in my walk with Christ. Plans for accountability with my times with God. Plans that I am excited to implement now that I'm back and have already started. I prayed that night that God wouldn't heal me by the next morning, but rather that I would wake up feeling crappy and that I would slowly get better so that I was 100% by the beginning of the first session. We start worship and my chest had stopped hurting and my coughing was almost entirely voluntary. The first speaker starts and I was totally fine! All day I was fine until we got to the hotel that night and I got everything back by the time I walked in the door. I was happy, though, that the last day of the conference was not a waste.
So, what were the action steps I got out of the conference?

1. Stop "shopping". Bill Young used the illustration of the trampling death at Walmart last christmas where people were begged to please leave so that the emergency workers could get to the dying man but the shoppers responded with "We've been here for six hours already! NO!" I want to stop shopping and help the victims up. Andy Grey talked about a man who was photographing a woman during a storm, the shore gave out under her and he was about ready to go after her when he saw two men run over. Just before they got to her, though, a 20 foot tall swell came in and swept her out to sea. His one regret was that he kept taking the photos instead of putting down the camera to help her. I do not want to be that man. I was to dive into the wave of chaos in people's lives and help rescue them.

2. I need to just let God be my supply of joy, peace and strength. I feel like God really hit me pretty hard with some things to do just that.
a. how do I pray? I saw the importance of praise as far greater than previously.
b. be patient and praise while I wait.

3. I will be involved in singles ministry for a while longer. How long, I do not know, but knowing that makes it much easier to be content and not constantly look for the things that I desire. I can put my desires out of the way and focus on what God has me doing for the time being. I love the men that are on my team, and I will die for them if it means the glorification of God in their lives.

So I guess those are the main points. Now, I sit at home, hacking my lungs out, still contemplating my week. Happy new year, y'all!

"I fear all we have done is to awaken a sleeping giant and fill him with a terrible resolve."

- Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto from the film "Tora, Tora, Tora".

I have been taking much stock of my life lately, and I've come to realize that in many ways, my soul has been lulled to sleep by the mediocrity and banality of the typical american life. That I, along with many around me, have given themselves over to the American dream, the persuit of riches, happiness and comfort, never really giving much consideration to the glories of God, and if they did give thought to it, it was in confusion on how to best bring those glories to light. My soul has been sleeping for some time now, hibernating if you will, and a restlessness has begun in my heart, a stirring to action.

Imagine if the American church suddenly woke up. Imagine if all of the pushing to be the nice, comfortable, politically correct church suddenly was replaced with a passion to see God glorified at all costs. Imagine if each individual in America dropped to their knees in repentance for their laziness, got up, took up their crosses and put down the remote? Imagine how this country would change and the gospel would go out. I, for one, am excited for this to begin in my own life.

Thankyou...

Today is thanksgiving day, and it seems only apt to make a list of things that I am thankful to God for, so here goes!

1. Thank you for the cross, that I am forgiven, made alive, new, clean and am adopted as your son.
2. Thank you, Jesus for the fact that you were fully human and that you know all of my struggles first hand and now sit at the right hand of the Father, interceding on my behalf.
3. Thank you for blessing me with my family and parents that are a huge part of who I am today.
4. Thank you for blessing me with an amazing church that never really leaves anything for a dull moment.
5. Thank you for my friends who I get to adventure with.
6. Thank you for my job, which I absolutely LOVE!
7. Thank you for awesome co-workers who I actually enjoy spending a majority of my time with each week.
8. Thank you for never leaving me nor forsaking me.
9. Thank you for the fact that I have always had a roof over my head, never gone hungry and that you continually provide for me, even when I'm stupid.
10. Thank you for accepting me as I am, warts and all.
11. Thank you for thing like music, art, writing, and the many creative things that I love, and choose to express myself with.
12. Thank you the use of my legs and that I can run, jump and still play ultimate.
13. Thank you that I have the privilage of living in the most beautiful state in the country. I love my mountains and wake up every morning with the best view of them.
14. Thank you for using me in people's lives.
15. Thank you for the manliness and tastiness of steak.
16. Thank you that I am not alone.
17. Thank you for your word, which guides me, gives me joy and refreshes my mind.
18. Thank you for awesome roommates.
19. Thank you for FAITHWALKERS!! (can't wait!)
20. Thank you for the trials that I've gone through that have taught me incredible reliance on God, something that he has to remind me of daily, but still he is faithful to remind me.

Philippians 4:6 - Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Psalm 95:2 - Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song.